Kids dating in America

[monster]

HELP!

I need to know the norm. Which is hard in such a huge, diverse country. I know parents who are fine with their 11-year-olds "dating" -thankfully this turns out to be all talk and no "action". And I know parents who forbid dating at all before 18. I think they're a little OTT

Our 14yo wants to go to the movies with her boyfriend. When I was 14, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, but there were no multiplexes running movies to empty theaters -there were no empty seats. You had to book in advance to ensure seats. There were also no 11yolds "dating" and there was no facebook. We did snog a little, but mostly the bad things we did were smoke and drink. You would get thrown out for canoodling and it wasn't exactly private.

I trust her, I think I trust him, although he's kind of touchy-feely and I don't really know him that well. and he's a teenage boy. They are not interested in being chaperoned by their peers. Their "connection" is academic -their IMs compare grades.... and she held off his advances for almost a year. I think I'm more worried about what people will think rather than what they will actually get up to -I don't think she'll let him take any advantages.... but will people think she did? This is all new territory to me 'cause I don't give a shit what people think about me, but I kind of feel that's more OK in the UK than it is here. It feels like my job at this point is to protect her reputation -how do I do that? Would you or your kids think a 14yo girl going to a movie with her boyfriend unchaperoned was "easy"?

One of her only slightly younger although a grade below (still in middle school, she's in high school) friends was recently only allowed to go on a movie "date" if a bunch of friends came too. But they're kind of prudish. Lovely, but told me they would never let their daughter wear what i let mine wear -even though it completely surpassed school dress code (wedge-heel cheetah-print ankle boots on dress-up day, with tights and a below-knee black dress)

I feel at sea......

[zippyt]

Time for beest to get out that Ninja Suit he's been wanting to use !!!

14 un chaperoned , no crowd of kids to nark them out ??
No , Nyet , ,,,,,,,,,,

I know you trust her and she can take care of her self , but NO !!!!

[monster]

that is my gut feeling..... but I feel bad for them....

[monster]

...they have done all that I have asked of them so far.....

[Rhianne]

What can they do at the cinema that they can't do during the other twenty hours of the day that you aren't looking?

[DanaC]

See, it's these little things that surprise with their differences.

[monster]

Originally Posted by Rhianne

What can they do at the cinema that they can't do during the other twenty hours of the day that you aren't looking?

?

They are not together 24 hours a day

[ZenGum]

No, but the idea is, if they choose to get up to something, they'll find a way. Busy as the beestmonster schedule is, there must be a chance somewhere.

Just make her watch a video of someone giving birth, before she goes out.

Without anesthetic.

[monster]

Alrighty, thanks for playing y'all. I won't be returning to this thread or this board for a while, but if you still feel like replying my question was what is the norm for America.

[glatt]

I don't know what the norm is today. I'd be curious too, since my daughter just turned 13 and this day is coming.

[Ibby]

I was dating at 14, and the worst mischief I got up to at the time was a little heavy petting. Is 14 8th or 9th grade? A LOT of kids I knew in 8th grade were getting up to somewhat worse than I was, but 8th grade still seemed like rather the norm or the average in Maryland at least.

[Clodfobble]

First off, stadium seating actually makes it harder to grope and/or make out in a movie theatre, because everyone can see what's going on in the rows below them.

But anyway, normal is impossible to know, it varies so much not just from parent to parent but peer group to peer group. In my circle of friends, if you had an official boyfriend but never went to a movie with him, or otherwise spent a reasonable amount of time between just the two of you, people would think you were weird, like you were only dating for your social "image" and didn't actually enjoy each other's company. So there's no need to protect her reputation, IMHO. The only question is, do you want to try to thwart any kissy-face that may occur? (And it likely will, at least a little.) That's a losing battle, if you ask me. My personal parenting preference is that it's better to give her all the information and help her make good choices herself, rather than put artificial roadblocks in her behavior. Explain to her what a hickey is, and that her friends most definitely will make fun of her if she shows up to school with one.

[classicman]

OK, not that you want my input, but I'll try anyway.
What is the "norm" in America?
What the norm is here in the northeast is vastly different than other parts of the country. Its also different within the local communities based upon social circles and cultural norms of your immediate area. What is the norm in your area, among your friends, neighbors etc.? I think that would be a far better gauge than what happens where I live.

As far as 14 year olds around here - some, more than a few are hanging out with the older kids (those who drive) and those kids are chasing those who are a few years older than they are... Middle schools here are making quite a push for the anti-drug & drinking messaging whereas a few years ago it was just in the HS's. There is good reason for that. Younger kids are starting to do things that older people hadn't gotten involved in until years later. For example, I've already booked about 2 dozen MADD and SADD speaking engagements for the fall - at least 6 are to middle schools. Thats way up and very early with respect to last year and the year prior.

I don't think I'd let the two of them just roll out on a solo date like this right off the bat, but I don't know the boy and I don't know if they've already done the group date thing already or not. From what I know of your daughter - she sounds like she is pretty mature and can probably handle herself. You two also seem to have a good open line of communication. That works well in her favor also. Around here - group dates were the norm. 4, 6, 10 kids ... whatever, kids would all meet and go to the movies together. I'm way ahead of you though. I was dealing with this a decade ago - what applied then versus now ????

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by classicman

Middle schools here are making quite a push for the anti-drug & drinking messaging whereas a few years ago it was just in the HS's.

Heh, yeah, totally depends on the area. When I was in junior high (aka middle school) as far back as the early 90s, we had extensive anti-drug, anti-drinking, anti-gang, and anti-sex promotions. We had a guy from Planned Parenthood come in and show everyone graphic (and disgusting) slides of STDs in 8th grade. But I can't imagine them trying to do something like that in the middle school in our current neighborhood.

Ain't no normal norm in America.

[Aliantha]

Aden has been dating his now 15 yr old g/f since she was 14 yrs old. They're still dating after more than 12 months and to my knowledge, and I feel pretty certain they're not lying to me, they haven't done more than snogging and maybe a bit of touchy feely stuff. I've asked them both point blank to respect my wishes about this issue and have spent quite a lot of time talking to them both together about the consequences of going too far with stuff like that.

I don't think it matters where you are. If the girl and boy are respectful to each other, and to their families, then no one's reputation should be harmed. If one of them starts blabbing about private stuff that happens between them, then firstly, there's not enough respect between them, and secondly, they definitely don't have the maturity to handle that sort of thing.

You have to make your own call when you're a parent, and I think it differs from kid to kid, and who their intended date is etc. You have to weigh up all the variables, and not just base your decision on what others will think IMO.