Deuteronomy (warning: long)

[Dagnabit]

OK smart guys, I did what I said I was gonna do. I read the whole damn thing and in several different versions, too, although I didn't have the original version. And while I was reading, I was summarizing for my own sake. I figured I might as well write my own Cliff's Notes.

I used the King James and then used the New International Version, which I found to be a much more natural translation and cleared up several confusing parts of the KJ.

So, what follows is my gift to you, in several parts: the Dag's Notes version of Deut., in my own natural language.
--

1.

(Moses is speaking, throughout most of the text.)

"The Lord says now that our people have multiplied, we're in good shape. Our people have been in this desert on this mountain forever. It's about time we went to our promised land and kicked ass and took over. With the Lord's help we have worked out who'll be in charge here. But even though we sent scouts out, and they came back and said everything was cool and the land was awesome, you all don't want to go? 'Oh they're so big and powerful,' you said. WTF people, did you forget about God being on our side? Now God is pissed! You got your ass kicked by the Amorites - but guess what, He WASN'T THERE. Now he says he'll be there the next time - and all you can do is whine."

2.

"Dig it. Remember when the Lord gave us directions? Told us to go North, make pals with this dude, those dudes, these dudes? Then the dudes at Heshban said fuck all y'all, you aren't passing through here? We kicked his ass, didn't we? Now that's what the Lord is capable of! We can take on all these assholes - as long as we don't start kicking the ass of people He likes."

3.

"Remember when Og tried to stop us in Bashan? We kicked his ass so hard, we killed everybody! We got 60 walled cities! All that was left was their sheep and their shit, and we took those too! So remember what I told Reuben, and Gad, and those Manasseh people? I said that God said it would be OK if they took some of that land. But some day - and that day may never come - you better help US out. We gave you this stuff -- well, really, our God gave it to you. So when we come back as Israelites, you better have every man join our army. So we got that going for us.

Then remember, I told Joshua that God was gonna help us fight. So we ain't gonna be scared of NO army.

So then I went to God, and I told him, you're so amazingly powerful, we never would have kicked ass without your help. I asked him if we were ready to kick ass and take the other side of the river, and Lebanon. He said 'Um no. Go to the high point and take a good long look at your land. But looking's all you're gonna do. Joshua's gonna invade it, not you.'"

4:

"So listen up. You saw how God helped us kick ass at Peor. They're all dead, we're all alive. Obviously, we're gonna be kicking ass as long as we've got this God guy. So you better follow his list of rules. Remember when he gave them to us. We didn't SEE him, but we heard him coming out of this whole mountain of fire, remember? So - aw this is so important - NEVER make any STATUES. It degrades YOU to make a statue, see, because remember, when God showed up he had no physical form. You gotta serve God, not some other thing.

In fact he was so pissed when I talked to him, he said I couldn't go! So don't make any statues, because he's fire and he gets jealous easy. In fact, if you DO go and cross the Jordan, to that promised land, well - even if you're old and grey, if you make a statue, God will kick you out of the land, and you'll have to live with other odd tribes and worship THEIR statues, and their dumb Gods that can't eat, hear or smell.

WTF, people, get your act together. Didja ever hear of any other God speaking out of a montain of fire? Didja ever hear of any other God joining up with a group to take over a whole nation? What more proof do you need?"

5.

"So remember what God said. 'No statues,' He said, 'I'm jealous. Statues are worshipping something else instead of me. In fact if you have statues, I'll make life hard for not only you, but your children, and your children's children. Hey, look at it this way: if you DO worship me, I'll make life easy for your children, your children's children, and so on and so on for a thousand generations.'

'Take my name in vain and you'll get punished.'

'And no working on Sunday. No only you, but your children can't work on Sunday either. And your slaves can't work on Sunday either. Or your livestock. Not even the out-of-towners in your spare bedroom can work on Sunday. Come on, you people were SLAVES before you met me. Why would you want to work on Sunday?'

'And honor your mom and pop. And no killing. No adultery. No stealing. No false witness. And don't even desire your neighbor's stuff: not his wife, not his house, not his slaves, not his livestock.'

"God told you all this stuff, and wrote it on stone tablets for me. Now, you all thought if you heard God and saw all this fire and stuff, that you'd automatically DIE. That's some righteous stuff! I asked God about that, and he said, 'Good point. Frankly they should be afraid. A little scare might help them stay in line, because if they follow these rules, they'll be in great shape, especially since no other nation has rules like this.'"

6.

"So those are the rules, and if we follow them we'll be cool. Remember the rules. Make jewelry out of 'em, and signs if you have to. Because how cool will it be when we, a bunch of ex-slaves, go and take over, and have all these cities that we didn't even have to build, and shit we didn't even have to buy. And when your son asks you why you have to follow all these rules, tell him you were a slave once but God took over and gave you all this stuff, so we should follow His rules, because we're afraid of such a powerful dude."

7.

"When you go into your land, God is gonna uproot all these other assholes. At that point, it's no-mercy time. You're gonna CONSUME these assholes. Little by little, they'll weaken and you'll kick their ass. I mean rout them entirely, until they're ANNIHILATED. Don't just kill their kings: destroy the very name by which those kings go by, so there's not even a historical record of them. And if anyone's left, don't fret, because God will send out bees to sting them to death.

So don't be afraid of these assholes, because God is on our side, and look what He did to the Pharoahs for crying out loud!

Oh, and their religious stuff, that's the worst of all. Burn it all. But don't take their gold and stuff, just leave it behind, because if you do, you'll get used to having all this wealth and forget the God who got you there. You've got to learn to hate all their stuff. After all, God does."

8.

"Again, I can't say this strongly enough, God and the commandments. You're gonna be rich, but don't forget about God. He tried this to you before, you know. Remember when you were in the desert and starving? He gave you manna. You didn't even know what it was, but He gave it to you and you didn't starve. You thought you'd die without bread and then here's this manna all of a sudden. So when you have figs and wheat and barley and olives and honey, don't forget Number One, OK?"

9.

"And yeah, all those other assholes are bigger than us, but when we kick their ass, don't be saying it was YOU who did that. God is gonna go first, in the form of a consuming fire. He'll be the one responsible, you'll just be cleaning up afterwards. And it's not because you're so pious, it's because they're such non-God-having assholes.

I mean, when I was up there getting those tablets, you were assholes then and God was ready to kick your ass. You made a sculpture, and God told me I better go straighten you people out pronto. Luckily I was there to throw the tablets at you, destroy your sculpture, and had incredible faith and fasted for 40 days and He listened to me - or He would have destroyed you."

10.

"So after I talked him out of it and we made replacement tablets, and put them in the box I made, God told me to lead you guys so we could get to our land. So wise up. Love our God, fear our God, follow his rules. God loved your dads, so you people are chosen especially by Him."

(continued in next message)

[Dagnabit]

11.

"OK, (repeats a lot here) we're about to cross over Jordan and head into our land. Our land is better than the other lands, because there's seasonal rain. You don't have to water your crops, the rain does it for you. Of course the warranty is null and void if you don't follow the rules and worship God. There won't be any seasonal rain then. (repeats a lot more)"

12.

"And just to make it clear, once you get there, you can't just do whatever you like. For example, don't offer your burnt sacrifices just anywhere. You have to do that where the Lord says. Oh, you can kill your gazelles or deer, if you want to eat meat. But not the blood, since that's the 'life' - and you shouldn't eat the 'life' with the meat. Just pour that out. Take the sacrifices and burnt offerings, and put them up on the altar, and pour the blood out next to it, and just eat the meat."

13.

"And, you know, there are going to be false prophets. Whatever you do, don't listen to them. In fact, if a family member says you should go check out the other Gods, you have to kill him. You yourself have to start the killing, and then everyone else in the community should join in. It's the only way to keep everyone afraid. In fact, if these "other God" activities start in another town, you'll just have to go kill everyone in that town. I mean, investigate it first, but if it turns out to be true, kill all the people AND all of their livestock. Put everything in the middle of the town and burn it as an offering to God. Then God will show you compassion."

14.

"OK, we talked a little about the meat, here are the details. OK to eat: anything with a split hoof and that chews the cud, including: ox, sheep, goat, antelope, gazelle. Not OK is anything that chews the cud and does NOT have a split hoof, like the camel and the rabbit. Not OK is anything with a split hoof that doesn't chew the cud, like the pig.

As far as seafood, go with anything with fins and scales.

Any clean bird is OK; unclean birds include eagles, vultures, owls, storks, and bats.

Insects are RIGHT OUT! Road kill is also bad.

Bring some of your stuff to church to eat it, and please feel free to bring the outcasts who don't have a church or any money."

15.

"Hang together, cancel each other's debts. You won't be poor; come on, you're God's chosen people. If someone seems to be poor, he can be your slave for six years, after which you can give him some of your stuff and set him free. If he doesn't want to go free, pierce his ear with an awl, which makes him your servant for life. Same goes, by the way, for woman slaves."

16.

"We'll have a couple feasts each year, to mark a few holy times. Also, we'll have fair judges that will not take bribes. Also, no trees or sacred stones near God's altars; He hates those."

17.

"Don't sacrifice defective animals to God; that'll just piss Him off. And again, if anyone's worshipping any other God while living in Israel, investigate it thoroughly, and if it's true, take up to the city gate and stone 'em to death. Make sure there are two witnesses. And the witnesses will start the killing. If the judges can't figure out what to do, ask the priests. If someone doesn't like the judges or the priests, kill him. That'll keep the people on their toes. Also, God has to choose your kings, and your kings had better read this stuff every day so they don't think they're better than God's law."

18.

"Priests have to stay poor, but they can eat some of the parts of the offerings you bring to burn for God. No witchcraft, because God hates that. By the way, God told me I was his prophet and He is speaking through me. If you find anyone else claiming to speak for God, and what he says doesn't come true, put him to death."

19.

"Set up three cities in the new land. IF anyone accidentally kills a neighbor, he can go to the city to save his own life. Of course, if anyone goes to the city after purposefully killing a neighbor, send him back to the avenger to be killed. No pity. Again, two witnesses."

20.

"Again, God is with us, so when we go to take over faraway cities, we gotta be into it. First we give 'em a peace offering: if they let us in, they only have to be our slaves. If they don't, we kill all the men, and take the women, children, livestock and everything else as plunder. Of course, for the cities God is giving to us as part of the promised land, there we just kill everything. That way they can't teach us their religions. But don't be dumb; don't cut down fruit trees where you could eat the fruit. Cut down OTHER trees to make siege weapons."

21.

"If you find a dead body and don't know who killed him, take a calf to an unplowed stream, kill it by breaking its neck, wash your hands over it and say a declaration and all will be cool. If you capture your enemies, and notice a sexy broad amongst the captives, you're allowed to have her; shave her head, cut her nails, let her pine for her parents for a month and then you can screw her. At that point she's your wife, but if you get tired of her, just dump her, but don't SELL her... she's been through enough.

If you have two sons by different women, one of which you love and the other you don't, and the real first born is of the one you don't, the REAL firstborn will be due twice what he would normally have inherited in your will, since he's the first sign of your strength.

If a son of yours acts up, bring him to the elders, and all the people of the town should stone him. (i.e., place heavy rocks on him until he is dead.) That'll keep people in line. However, if you hang somebody, cut 'em down the same day."

22.

"Treat your people's animals OK. Don't cross-dress; God HATES that. Build parapets on your roofs so nobody falls off them and dies. Find a bird's nest? It's OK to take the chicks or eggs, but let the mother go. Don't plant two different kinds of seeds in the same vineyard. Don't wear wool and linen woven together. Put tassels on your cloaks.

If a man claims that his wife was not a virgin to get out of the marriage, her parents have to provide proof that she was a virgin. If they have proof, the guy has to pay a fine. If they don't, the wife has to be stoned to death. If a man sleeps with another man's wife, both have to be stoned to death.

If a man has sex with a woman who's engaged to someone else, and this happens in town, they both have to die. If this happens outside the town, only he has to die. You see, in town she has a chance to scream out and stop it; outside of town she doesn't. If a man rapes a virgin not pledged to be married, he has to pay a fine to her father, and he also has to marry her and they can never divorce."

23.

"You can't go to church if your balls are damaged or if your dick is cut off. If you're a bastard, you and your family can't go to church for ten generations. Certain enemies can't go to church, especially because they were assholes when we were leaving Egypt. Egyptians themselves are OK and their grandchildren can go to church.

When battling another town, if a soldier has a wet dream that night, he has to go outside the camp, wait all day, clean himself up at dusk, then he can come back at night. And please, when you're a soldier, build latrines and bury your shit. God has to walk there Himself and would hate to see your excrement.

No whores in Israel, women OR men. Bring whoring money to pay a church vow and God will be really pissed.

And if you make a promise to God, pay up quickly."

24.

"If a guy marries, and later on is unhappy with his wife, he can divorce her. She can remarry. But if the second marriage goes south and she divorces again, or if the second guy dies or something, she absolutely can't marry the first guy again.

If a guy gets married, he doesn't have to go to war or to work for a year. Stay home and be happy for a while.

The punishment for stealing from a fellow Israelite: death. If there's a leprosy outbreak, be careful. Don't take advantage of your employees. Fathers aren't to be killed for things their children have done, nor children for their fathers. Be cool and leave a few tidbits in the gardens for the poor."

25.

"Judges can give beatings as punishment, but no more than 40 lashes. If two brothers are living together and one of them marries, then dies without a son, the other brother has to marry the woman. The first son she has after that has to be named after the dead guy so his name lives on. If he doesn't want to marry her, she can spit in his face in the presence of the town elders.

If two men are fighting and the wife of one grabs the other guy by the balls, her hand must be cut off.

Accurate weights and measures are important."

[Dagnabit]

26.

"After you settle in the promised land, give God some of your first crop. Every three years give a tenth of your crop to the outsiders and poor. Say a little prayer. Again, you're God's specifically chosen people."

27.

"When you get to the promised land, write all this stuff down on stones so it's all documented. We'll have different tribes repeat the blessings and curses and everyone can say 'Amen'."

28.

"Obey the Lord and follow his commands and you'll be blessed beyond belief. Do not obey and you'll be cursed beyond belief. Everything you touch will go to shit until you are destroyed. You'll get disease, your ground will be iron, your rain will be dust, you'll get painful boils and itchy sores and tumors. You'll go mad, blind, and insane at the same time. Your fiancee will be raped, your olives will fall off the trees before you can make oil from them. Your sons and daughters will be captives of other countries. Worst off, you'll go back to Egypt to try to be slaves again, but nobody will buy you."

29.

"God is speaking through me. Look at all the stuff God's done for the Israelites. You're in the desert 40 years but your shoes and clothes are like new! So make an oath to only worship Me, and I promise great afflictions (see the above chapter) for those who don't go this way."

30.

"Those are the rules. They're not so tough. Once again, it's follow God to abundance, or turn away for destruction."

31.

"I'm 120, too old to lead you and the Lord told me I can't go. It's OK though, you have God to lead you."

(Finally Moses is no longer the speaker.)

Then Moses said to Joshua, "You take over."

God spoke right to Moses and called for a conference call with Joshua. The three of them got together in a tent, with God appearing as a cloud. God says, "You know these people aren't going to play it straight after you're gone. We've gotta come up with a way to get them to remember all this stuff. How about we put it into a song?" And so they did.

32.

Moses recited the song to all the people. Then God called to him and told him to climb Mt. Nebo to die. "Just look at the land I'm giving to these people. Well you're not going. And y'know why? Because you and your brother broke faith with me once and didn't uphold me as holy to the Israelites."

33.

So Moses, about to die, gave a bunch of Israelites his final happy messages, and reflected on how unimaginably fashionable the Israelites must be, to be the chosen people.

34.

Then he climbed that mountain and died, and there ain't been none like him since.

[elSicomoro]

You know, my religion class in high school would have been a LOT easier to understand had you explained it that way.

Although...my fingers will not touch the KJ Bible. Douay-Rheims for me. About the only good thing to come from Catholic indoctrination.

[adamzion]

Originally posted by Dagnabit
I used the King James and then used the New International Version, which I found to be a much more natural translation and cleared up several confusing parts of the KJ.
[/b]

Just a comment on the translation you used. Most Christian translations of the Tanakh (what you call the "Old Testament") are at least two steps removed from the original Hebrew. The first step was the Septuagint, a translation of the Hebrew Bible into Greek made by a commitee of 70 Jewish scholars (hence Septuagint). The second step was the Vulgate, the translation of the Septuagint into Latin during the early days of the Catholic Church. There may be other steps in between the Septuagint and the NIV and KJV, but at the very least neither is a direct translation, rather each is a translation of a translation of a translation.

Why does this matter? Because every time you translate, you also interpret. And when what you are reading is, in effect, an interpretation of an interpretation of an interpretation, you can't be positive that what you're reading is anything like what was originally written.

That's one benefit of being able to refer to the original Biblical Hebrew in a traditional Chumash, where a translation is presented face-to-face with the Hebrew text for cross-referencing. No, my Biblical Hebrew is far from fluent, but it's decent enough to allow me to get a gist for what is actually written in the Hebrew and what is presented in the English across from it.

All those years of Hebrew school paid off after all,
Z

[adamzion]

Here are a few of my responses to your reactions, to to speak.

Originally posted by Dagnabit
(Moses is speaking, throughout most of the text.)

That's why the book of Devarim is occasionally referred to as the "Mishneh Torah"- literally, the "Repetition of the Torah," since it largely consists of Moshe repeating to B'Nai Yisrael everything which he has told them before, and everything which HaShem told him while he was on Mt. Sinai.

'And no working on Sunday. No only you, but your children can't work on Sunday either. And your slaves can't work on Sunday either. Or your livestock. Not even the out-of-towners in your spare bedroom can work on Sunday. Come on, you people were SLAVES before you met me. Why would you want to work on Sunday?'

Here's a perfect example of the problem of reading an interpretation of an interpretation of an interpretation. The Torah says nothing about not working on Sunday. Not a sausage. What is does says is to remember and guard Shabbat, the day of rest. This is because it took HaShem six days to create the universe, and G-d rested on the seventh. Judaism has always seen the seventh day as being Saturday (actually Friday evening through Saturday evening, as the Hebrew calendar recons days as going from sundown to sundown). Christianity, for whatever reason, moved the day of rest to Sunday.

So far, though, this is fairly well thought-out,
Z

[Chewbaccus]

Now see, most would consider those "Cliff Notes" for Deut. offensive and blasphemous. I consider it helpful.

One more reason why I'm the Christian Right's future Public Enemy #1.

~Mike

[Dagnabit]

Adam: that's fair, and my interpretation is another interpretation, which only adds to the confusion. In fact none of the versions I read said "Sunday" so it is entirely a cultural addition that I made. They said "the sabbath day" or "seventh day" so "Sunday" is really just an invention. Frankly I can't imagine that it matters a whole lot as long as there's an observed day.

Chew: you da man. It was interesting and helpful to me. It showed a different God than the popular culture has shown us.

The best interpretation I can make at this point, considering translation and whatnot, is that the whole idea was to get these rules down, a set of rules that was far better than any other nation had, a set of rules that would set the people up to be prosperous. At the end, God is really concerned that without Moses around the people will return to their ways of debauchery.

But I was really struck by the fact that Moses isn't allowed in at the end, he has to die before reaching the promised land, all because of some minor transgression years and years ago. Here's the greatest servant of God that the world has ever known, but whoops, he made a minor error in the Desert of Zin.

The Old Testament God is truly a jealous God, easily angered, incredibly intolerant of other religions. Having chosen His people, he will lead them to outright destroy other tribes. So I have to figure that, regardless of translation orr interpretation, the "no killing" commandment refers specifically to the Israelites killing other Israelites for sport, and that war is not only allowed, but deeply encouraged.



[Edited by Dagnabit on 03-28-2001 at 01:00 PM]

[Chewbaccus]

Originally posted by Dagnabit
The Old Testament God is truly a jealous God, easily angered, incredibly intolerant of other religions.

On the anger part, methinks that shall be my next project: Figure out why God calmed down.

With the intolerance, I think I have that nailed. Just pure logic solves it.

Picture this: You're a creator, you've nurtured this project of yours along a path for several billion years. You've guided, you've protected, you've taught. It's a project that's ended up forcing you to cast your brightest assistant as far away as you can, basically created total war in the workplace, and after all that, your project is giving the copyright and title rights to a shaped lump of metal instead of you. I don't know about anyone else, but I'd feel rather miffed.

Having chosen His people, he will lead them to outright destroy other tribes. So I have to figure that, regardless of translation orr interpretation, the "no killing" commandment refers specifically to the Israelites killing other Israelites for sport, and that war is not only allowed, but deeply encouraged.

My theory: That still may be the specific, but something had happened. The Israelites spread out. They married into other tribes, who married into other tribes, and so on and so on. This eventually got the "you are all humans, you are all one people" message to those that were not advanced enough to understand continental drift and population migrations. As such "Thou shalt not kill another Israelite" became "Thou shalt not kill period."

And before someone starts in on the whole "Then why do God-worshiping people fight in war?" tangent, it depends on your interpretation combined with any messages you get from on high. Pour example, killing to stop an autocratic leader who has wiped out 2/3 of an ethnic race from progressing further and implementing such a program on other peoples = OK. Killing to protect financial interests or a sphere of influece = Not kosher.

And I go to finish Algebra homework and watch "The West Wing."

~Mike



[Edited by Dagnabit on 03-28-2001 at 01:00 PM] [/b][/quote]