I Must Be Insane...

[Juniper]

Well, my hubby's sister is in kind of a bind right now. She lives in an awful school district, so for the past 11 years she's been sending her kids to school in her babysitter's school district, claiming that's where they live. Shady, eh? Well now her sitter is moving, so she's got a problem.

She's also recently divorced, and her ex isn't very helpful. So she's been working two jobs and still hasn't got any money. The logical thing to do would be to sell her house and move to a better school district, but she's good at finding reasons why this or that won't work.

Her solution now is to enroll them in school where my father-in-law lives, saying that they now live with him. It's a very good district; we used to send our kids there till we moved where we are now. But grandpa isn't much into grandparenting, at least in the hands-on sense. He's got his own life and likes it that way. So I cannot see him waiting at the bus stop for these kids and then keeping them till she gets off work, no sir-ee.

SO we did the only logical thing and offered OUR help. Unfortunately we live very far away from her - about an hour's drive, maybe more in busy traffic. If we were to send them to school here, it would require them to live with us during the week. Which is the only right thing to do anyway, if we're going to claim they live here for school purposes.

We're talking about an 8 year old boy and 11 year old girl, both with issues - the boy is learning disabled (slightly, and my SIL is in denial about it, but he's in 2nd grade and can't read, and most people can't understand his speech. Including me.) and the girl has ADHD, lies, steals, etc.

We have the room, and I'm sure my SIL would send us money to help pay for food, etc. It would be SO good for these kids to live here, where we can give them a stable family environment in a healthy area and very, very good schools. We have a 12 year old girl and 10 year old boy, so they'd have companionship. But Oh My God what an additional pile of work on me.

I think there's a very good possibility that if they were to come live with us, I would have to give up college. I can't see it any other way, except maybe cutting back to part time, maybe two classes a quarter. This place is already a madhouse with me gone all day and having to catch up.

But I love the kids and want what is best for them. They're really all the family I've got now.

So if you would just say a little prayer for whatever is best.

Thanks.

[ZenGum]

Good luck, Juni. Thumbs up to you for caring, for being willing to help those in need.

Two wacky ideas:

1. Your whole family swaps houses with your SIL. Not swapping ownership, just each live in the other's house.

2. If your house is big enough, SIL moves in with you, cares for kids and contributes to house work.

: watches wacky ideas implode under their own impossibility in 3... 2... 1... :

[monster]

number 2 is what occurred to me too.... and maybe she could help with the housework so you can concentrate on your small business?

[Clodfobble]

If she traded houses, then Juni's kids would be in the shitty school district, that won't work. Regardless of what school they're at, she'll need a new sitter, won't she? Maybe she can find another one in the same district they're currently in?

Either way, I'm pretty sure they can at least finish out the school year without anyone asking where they live, just put in a forwarding address with the post office so all the correspondence gets sent from the babysitter's old house to her real house.

[Sundae]

If SIL has two jobs I assume moving out of her area wouldn't be productive. Also the amount of time she could off Juni wouldn't be significant.

Bless you Juniper for taking the family perspective.
It's not going to be easy, but it will be great for the kids (yours too).

[Juniper]

Actually the sitter will be living within the same school district; it's just that the location of her new house makes it dangerous for the kids to walk from sitter's house to school. No, I have no idea why the sitter can't get up off her fat ass and walk/drive the kids to school, but apparently she can't. I don't want to question this. I figure if it's serious enough to warrant uprooting the kids halfway through the year from their friends and everything familiar, my SIL isn't doing it on a whim.

I can't have my SIL here. She has too much stuff. She has three chihuahuas and a coonhound plus four cats. She is a hoarder and her kids have more clothes currently than mine have owned their entire lives (she shops thrift stores and yard sales, takes everyone's hand-me-downs, trash picks, etc.) Her house is stuffed to the gills with junk, so much that she doesn't even know half of what she owns. I think that's the real reason she doesn't want to move. It's just overwhelming even to think about.

Plus she also has a 19 year old son from her 1st marriage who lives with her and attends college nearby. I guess he could stay in the house down there while she comes to live with us during the week with her kids. We could give them the whole lower level if it came down to it, so they could have their own space.

Her jobs aren't that far from here - I'd say they're about halfway between her house and ours. Well, at least her full-time job is; I'm not sure where the PT job is located - it's just a few hours she picks up waitressing. So that's not a big issue.

But I don't know. She's proud. (sigh) She's the BIG sister, too -- kind of stings, I bet, to take help from little brother. I sure would hate to be in her shoes.

[SquidGirl]

Well, the fact that you are considering yourself as an option for the children is not only commendable but amazingly touching! Regardless what you do, it will be tough. Good luck with it all and I hope everything works in the childrens best interests!

[ZenGum]

Originally Posted by Juniper

it's just that the location of her new house makes it dangerous for the kids to walk from sitter's house to school. No, I have no idea why the sitter can't get up off her fat ass and walk/drive the kids to school, but apparently she can't.

Err, could you please explain for this foreigner-type WTF kind of neighbourhood you are talking about? What kind of dangers are we talking here? Is there no school bus?

I can't have my SIL here. She has too much stuff. She has three chihuahuas and a coonhound plus four cats. She is a hoarder and her kids have more clothes currently than mine have owned their entire lives (she shops thrift stores and yard sales, takes everyone's hand-me-downs, trash picks, etc.) Her house is stuffed to the gills with junk, so much that she doesn't even know half of what she owns. I think that's the real reason she doesn't want to move. It's just overwhelming even to think about.

Plus she also has a 19 year old son from her 1st marriage who lives with her and attends college nearby. I guess he could stay in the house down there while she comes to live with us during the week with her kids. We could give them the whole lower level if it came down to it, so they could have their own space.

So, dogs, cats, junk and college boy stay at SIL's house her and little un's occupy downstairs at yours ... boarder at SIL's place send some money via SIL to you for rent.

Oh, personal pride. Ah.

Good luck.

[Aliantha]

I once took in someone else's children while the mother went walk about and got no thanks in the end. In fact only grief.

I wish you all the best Juni. I hope it works out better for you than it did me.

[Treasenuak]

Juni, best of luck... if you need anything, granted I'm two states away, but let me know; I've family in Ohio (in the Akron area) and may be able to do something if you need it.

[sweetwater]

I'm trying to figure out why the kids would have problems when it's only been 11 years that the shady arrangement has been in place. I hope a solution can be found, for everyone's sake. Has she checked into any private schools in the district that may be better, and see if they can offer tuition assistance?

[Juniper]

Yeah, really, sweet -- considering they've had such a normal, stable family upbringing so far. (sigh) Actually my SIL is not a bad mom, not at all - she's very loving and honestly wants the best for them. They're always well fed, clean, supervised, have all the "stuff" any kid could want. The 19 year old is smart and responsible, a real good kid. And their dad - I guess they're not actually divorced yet, but it's in process - he's not a bad guy either. Not the brightest bulb on the tree, but has good intentions. Kids have been raised in worse conditions.

The kids' father's family is RICH, though. Wisely they have only allowed their son a mere trickle of the family trust. What she should do is set aside some of that pride, and go talk to her ex-mom-in-law (who has given them lots of stuff in the past - new windows for the house, new driveway, a trip to Disney) and ask her to pay private school tuition.

That is how the 19 year old turned out so well - his dad paid for a private Catholic school and is paying for college too.

Oh well. Maybe she has already tried and been shot down, I dunno.

Thanks everyone for the good thoughts and ideas. I just hate that these kids might start to feel like a burden to be passed around instead of the precious little people they are.

[DanaC]

Juniper, you are really a wonderful person. The caring you obviously have for these kids is further testament to your overall warmth and decency.

That said....and please don't take offence at this....if you give up your college course I think you'll regret it. I think it would be madness. There has to be an option that doesn't include you giving up your dreams. That's not fair. It just isn't. My advice is to have a long conversation with your SiL and explore what options she's looked into, whether or not she has sought help from her MiL and what the potential is for her helping out if the kids are going to stay with you.

[monster]

Juni, what's so awful about the school district the kids live in? Does it just have poor test results? that's not always an indication or a bad distric. Or does it have major drug/gun problems? (which is) For kids with special ed needs, sometimes the poorer performing districts are better funded and equipped to help them.

The more I think about it, the more I think maybe you takin ghtem in is not the best idea.......

[Juniper]

Yes, major drug/gun problems. And poor test results. It really is bad.

BUT

I have some REALLY GOOD NEWS!!!!

Hubby just talked to his sister, and guess what? She DID talk to her ex's mother, and she IS going to pay for private school tuition!

Not sure why this didn't happen long ago, but all that matters is that it's happening now. They will be attending the same private Catholic school their older bro attended, right there in their neighborhood.

WHEW!

Maybe, just maybe the prospect of having to ship them off to live with their aunt and uncle was enough to make her swallow her pride? It's a thought. Of course, taking a handout from your ex-MIL does mean she may be a bit of a busybody and assert her opinions about how they should be raised...I can see why my SIL didn't want to ask for help. But the MIL is not a bad person either, really. Not like some evil MIL's I've heard about, that's for sure!

Thanks everyone for sending your good wishes.