When Our Parents become Our Children

[wolf]

I was trying for a catchy title ... that kind of captures it, but not really.

I'm the primary caregiver and watcher-over for my mom. MomWolf is getting up in years, and like many of the "Greatest Generation" has a lot of medical problems. She has hypothyroidism, hypertension, non-insulin dependent diabetes. and had cardiac bypass in 1986. She also has arthritis and osteoporitis, an assortment of gastric and urinary problems, and well, when MD's see her coming they vacillate between "wow, what a train wreck" and "hey, there's the next year's worth of payments on my yacht!"

Actually, all in all, she's been relatively medically stable for some time. Her gait is sometimes unsteady, and she occasionally has to resort to taking a nitro. Mostly, though, she does okay.

As you might expect from reading the above ... usually does okay, except for tonight.

Before I left for work my mom didn't mention that anything was amiss. I get a phone call from her after I'd been at work about an hour and a half. She didn't sound right to start with, and I figured this wasn't just a call to tell me not to pick up the mail ... she's having chest pains. I'm trying to ask questions to figure out if this is anxiety (common) on her part, or the real deal. I even had our doc talk to her about her assortment of symptoms. The consensus was "go home and be with your mom." So I did. I get home and she looks like hell, and I get the extra added information that she'd actually been feeling bad since yesterday. She has an atypical presentation for cardiac symptoms anyway, which resulted in it taking 6-8 months of incorrect diagnoses and an aggressive, magical PCP to get her scheduled for bypass surgery before it was easy and fashionable.

wolf: Okay, mom, I'm calling an ambulance and you're going to the ER. (I told her this on the phone as well. She didn't listen to me then, either.)

momwolf: No. I'm just happy you're home. I feel safer.

wolf: I don't. you're going to the ER. By ambulance.

momwolf: no, no ambulance.

wolf: I don't think that's wise. (now remember, I make very large, very crazy people do things they don't want to do. I make ER doctors do what they don't want to do. I have made county administrators do what they don't want to do. momwolf is my kryptonite. it was either I drive her or no trip to the ER. In retrospect, I'm glad I gave in)

Luckily we got to the ER without incident, and thanks to calling ahead for reservations (via the cardiologist) we got fast tracked into the ER.

Okay, momwolf's arrival blood pressure of 260/156 might have had something to do with that.

She was given about $1000 worth of medications including a nitro IV and is now admitted to the Cardiac Care Unit. they don't know what's wrong with her yet, but they sure are treating it.

At least since they admitted her I don't have to pay $35 copay for the ER visit ...

I had to take her clothes home because she keeps saying she's leaving tomorrow. I know for sure she's in for the weekend, possibly longer, and there is no way she'll be running down Germantown Pike in her panties and a gown that flaps open at the back.

[Beestie]

Sorry to hear about your mom. It must be hard sometimes.

One day, my mother will need a lot of attention and when that day comes, I will remind myself that she washed probably 6 to 8 diapers a day (no pampers in them days) for several years and I doubt she ever complained once. Well, maybe once

[BigV]

same boat, different cabin.

I sincerely hope your mom is ok, wolf.

the title is a bullseye, btw.

I don't really want to talk about it right now, but later. ok.

[wolf]

Thanks, beestie.

[Iggy]

I think the title is very appropriate. I am helping with my grandfather now and it is like taking care of a 5 year old. I didn't know that you could be so confused and still be alive. He has dementia.
He can't recognize simple things anymore. He still smokes all the time and burns everything he can reach. He has a power chair since he can't walk or move on his own anymore, but he falls asleep and runs into the walls and the funiture. It is very emotionally and physically taxing (we have to lift him to move him from arm chair to power chair to bed.)
But, I would rather have a loved go quickly than have to endure life the way he lives.
I hope you mom gets better, or at least doesn't have to suffer. Good luck.

[wolf]

It's a shame that the process of dementia doesn't allow people to forget that they smoke ...

I am guessing that he gets pretty darn cranky if he doesn't get a cigarette. Have you tried the patch?

I'm concerned about my mother heading toward dementia. She has some significant memory deficits lately, and has also started the extreme irritability, aggressive outbursts, and disinhibition.

[Trilby]

I am so sorry to hear your mother is sick. Wolf, you need to take this time and REST yourself. Your mother is in good hands, continuously monitored, and you need to try to take care of yourself right now. She's not going anywhere, no matter what she says. Yeah, she could sign AMA but they won't let her, believe me. Get lots of sleep, have some face-time with the sun (with sunscreen, of course! and relax. You have to take the oasis when it comes. My best to you and your mom.

[Elspode]

The thought that I will most certainly be a similar burden upon my already afflicted children terrifies me.

At 48, I am the three-year veteran of a bypass, I had an ileostomy in 1990, and am also a non-insulin dependent diabetic. It can't really go anywhere but downhill from here.

My mom died many years ago, and my father is estranged, and so I won't likely face the care of my elders, but the prospect of being cared for myself is not attractive.

Wolf, here's to medical science and karma coming together in the way that is best for your mom and for you. Keep us posted.

[wolf]

I don't care what they will let her do ... I won't let her AMA. No damn way. Some say I was born without a tact gland. This may be true. This morning, as I was talking to momwolf on the phone, she said "I don't want to be here, I want to be at home."

"Yes, mom, I know. But I'd rather have you alive in the hospital than dead at home. You're in the right place."

(This was not, incidently, the first thing I said. I went through all the soothing alternatives first ... about 15 minutes worth of "They have to look you over, they are taking care of you, you need to have these tests done" before I whipped the big goddamn hammer out of the bag.)

Thanks, Bri, and everyone, for the good wishes.

[Dagney]

Wolf....

I'll say a prayer for you and your mom, but Brianna's right - take some time for yourself - the opportunity to recharge now WILL come in handy later.

I know how frustrating it is to see a family member sick and not know what's wrong with them...I hope the answers come soon.

Kellie

[Clodfobble]

I don't believe I could live with my mother now, let alone when she is having health problems. You are a very strong person, wolf, and your mother must appreciate your care very much even when she argues with you about it.

[wolf]

I keep telling myself that.

It's either that, or shoot her.

[richlevy]

Good luck Wolf. My wife took partial care of her father for about the last two years of his life with Parkinsons, since he moved in to an assisted living about 4 miles from home. Towards the end the dementia kicked in.

It sounds like she is stubborn (like mother, like daughter), but mentally aware. Count your blessings and get some rest.

[Tonchi]

Originally Posted by richlevy

It sounds like she is stubborn (like mother, like daughter), but mentally aware. Count your blessings and get some rest.

.... and have the nurse who's got your mom on her floor to come on over to the Cellar and tell you/us all about it when she's off shift. She might need to vent too

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bummer, Wolf. Get her a purple hat.
Beestie, you're allowed to complain, sometimes it helps, just not to them.
Brianna's right. That's almost exactly what I emailed an hour ago, to a friend who's husband is very ill and nobody can figure out why.
I'm sure your Mom would rather argue with you, than talk to anyone else.
Be strong like Russian woman.