bipolar + PMS = can i do anything right?

[freshnesschronic]

ok. girlfriend of 2 years. shes senior in hs, im freshman in college. long distance relationship always a problem for everyone. but we've made it and we're still very committed and in love.

but this week--is my finals week. and this is right before her period. but it's been right before her period----for a week and half! so she can't get over her bitchiness and bipolarity! because her period hasn't started! so we've fought everyday this week over the MINISCULEST of things. and then she blows up. and her only response to me is "." or "..." or "NO". seriously.
then today she blows up the worst i've ever seen. i try telling her she has pms and is majorly overreacting. then it seems like she realizes it--but doesnt care. she says "this is really who i am." she says this is who i want to be sometimes. but i cant, i have to submissive, i have to be nice. sometimes i just want to fucking be like this!" Right now i know she's out of control but all i can do is give her HOURS of time, cause bipolar + pms = can i do anything right?
Is there a better way to let her know she's being a total bitch?
I really want to work things out, because when we aren't good between us, I'm not good with myself. Therefore studying for chem tomorrow is probably as useful as shoveling snow into my room--thats how i see it. I honestly cannot do anything without knowing that we're ok.
Any ideas on how to tell her how to improve, or how I can improve my communication of the situation?

-J

First of all, your study has to come first, that is your future... she will have to get used to that and you can tell her that with love, but it can be told to her and you can stick to it.
Secondly, where does it say that you have to argue with her?
There are some things that I just don't argue about with my wife... she argues with me and I stop arguing. I just stop. I will talk to her, but refuse to invest any emotion into it.
Finally, you don't have to tell her she is being a bitch. You can just tell her that she is being unreasonable without being so personal and insulting about it. If she does not hear you, ask her if she heard you, if she says she did, ask her if she is going to changed her behavior based on it. If not, change yours.
You cannot change someone else's behavior... they have to. The only way you can try to get them to is to try different tactics, those are to change your behavior. I would suggest not playing her game, that will only encourage her to continue and increase the behavior.
Just don't argue. When she yells, etc. Ask her to stop, if she does not, either be calm, very calm... if you feel you cannot, tell her you will call her back when she calms down so you can both work it out like adults.
Is she on meds, if so, is she taking them?

BTW, this is not advice, just how I handle things.

[freshnesschronic]

Wow, thanks rkzenrage.

Actually all of that sounds like real good advice.
Learning to drop arguements is gonna be hard though, but I have to try. Thanks again.
Oh, she takes Midol or something for cramps I think. That's it. Why?

I was talking about for her bi-polar disease. Not exactly something one should deal with by one's self.

I am not saying to just "drop" an argument, I am saying not to take it personally, don't descend to yelling and getting into circular discussions (saying the same thing over and over angrily). Remove the anger. If you are getting nowhere, why not take a step back and come back to it when you are both cooled off?
Just remind yourself, when she goes-off like that, it is not about you, it is about her... that should help with keeping a cooler head and not getting caught-up in it. Stay cool.

[freshnesschronic]

no, she isn't or hasnt been diagnosed with a real bipolar disease. But I don't know for sure, because I've noticed her huge mood swings the whole time i've been with her.

And I am trying to stay cool. I actually have the more violent temper between us, by maybe 10x worse anger problems. But I've been changing this past half year and am really getting better. Like this afternoon when she went off, I was very calm, because I could tell she wasn't herself.

Good for you, keep it up. Nice meeting you. Welcome to the Cellar.

[Undertoad]

Is bipolar an actual psych diagnosis or just somebody's guess?

Is she under treatment? On medication?

[freshnesschronic]

yeah being bipolar can be a very bad disease and mental condition, but i don't think she actually has a harmful one. Just huge swings in mood for my girlfriend. And no she isn't diagonsed or on medication, she's just a girl from what I know.

[DanaC]

Nice to meet you Fresh. For what it's worth, I think she's damn lucky to have someone so understanding as a partner. That said, rkzenrage is right, your studies are important, they're your future and they need to come first.

[WabUfvot5]

Gah, don't ever tell a bipolar they're overreacting. Or crazy. That's the surest way to set them off.

The best thing when arguing is to give her time to cool off. Maybe an hour, maybe more.

You should read up on bipolar disorder. Figure out her cycling and keep her away from drugs of any sort (even caffeine).

[footfootfoot]

$0.02

[orthodoc]

Hi, Fresh. I don't know that you can effectively tell your gf how to improve, and it sounds like you're being calm and understanding and facilitating communication as well as you can. But as the others have said, you can't control or change someone else's behavior. You also aren't responsible to figure out whether she has a psych diagnosis, and you can't be walking on eggshells all the time or trying to keep her away from triggers.

You have some major priorities right now, in the form of finals week. Your future is on the line, and it's ok to set boundaries that protect that. Setting healthy boundaries is a good idea in general, but really important right now. I hope your gf will be able to think outside of her needs, but if not, you still have to take care of yours.

Often, people cope better when others in their lives set boundaries and make clear what is and isn't ok within the relationship. I hope that'll be the case for you.

All the best!

[morethanpretty]

DO NOT tell a PMSing girl that she is being bitchy or that she is just acting that way b/c she is PMSing. Just be calm and offer to do anything you can to make her comfortable. I know it sucks to have to submiss to the bitchiness, but take it from a women, be glad that you aren't in her shoes. Plus if it is things are that bad she should probably go to the gyno or atleast a general practice doctor. If you want to bring that sort of suggestion up remember to introduce it with a statement like," Honey, I'm really worried about how bad you have been feeling." Don't be pushy, it make take some time to convince her, she'll need time to get used to the idea.

[Aliantha]

slip some EPO or st johns wort into her camomile tea...that should do the trick. If not, give her something to put her to sleep while you study.

If you think my suggestions are stupid, you'd probably be right.

I suggest you follow rkz's advice. Sounds pretty good to me. I might even suggest my husband try it out for size.

[orthodoc]

I realize that Aliantha's suggestion of slipping something like St. Johns Wort into your gf's tea was made tongue in cheek ... but perhaps a word of caution here about the general idea. Any herb can interact with medications already being taken, sometimes negatively; St. Johns Wort in particular can do this. If anyone is using herbs therapeutically, it's important to let a treating physician know so that adverse interactions can be avoided.

Ali's general suggestion, in terms of looking at some sort of therapy, is a good one though ... not stupid! It sounds like your gf's symptoms are making her very unhappy, and they might be alleviated with appropriate therapy.