Deuteronomy (warning: long)

[Dagnabit]

OK smart guys, I did what I said I was gonna do. I read the whole damn thing and in several different versions, too, although I didn't have the original version. And while I was reading, I was summarizing for my own sake. I figured I might as well write my own Cliff's Notes.

I used the King James and then used the New International Version, which I found to be a much more natural translation and cleared up several confusing parts of the KJ.

So, what follows is my gift to you, in several parts: the Dag's Notes version of Deut., in my own natural language.
--

1.

(Moses is speaking, throughout most of the text.)

"The Lord says now that our people have multiplied, we're in good shape. Our people have been in this desert on this mountain forever. It's about time we went to our promised land and kicked ass and took over. With the Lord's help we have worked out who'll be in charge here. But even though we sent scouts out, and they came back and said everything was cool and the land was awesome, you all don't want to go? 'Oh they're so big and powerful,' you said. WTF people, did you forget about God being on our side? Now God is pissed! You got your ass kicked by the Amorites - but guess what, He WASN'T THERE. Now he says he'll be there the next time - and all you can do is whine."

2.

"Dig it. Remember when the Lord gave us directions? Told us to go North, make pals with this dude, those dudes, these dudes? Then the dudes at Heshban said fuck all y'all, you aren't passing through here? We kicked his ass, didn't we? Now that's what the Lord is capable of! We can take on all these assholes - as long as we don't start kicking the ass of people He likes."

3.

"Remember when Og tried to stop us in Bashan? We kicked his ass so hard, we killed everybody! We got 60 walled cities! All that was left was their sheep and their shit, and we took those too! So remember what I told Reuben, and Gad, and those Manasseh people? I said that God said it would be OK if they took some of that land. But some day - and that day may never come - you better help US out. We gave you this stuff -- well, really, our God gave it to you. So when we come back as Israelites, you better have every man join our army. So we got that going for us.

Then remember, I told Joshua that God was gonna help us fight. So we ain't gonna be scared of NO army.

So then I went to God, and I told him, you're so amazingly powerful, we never would have kicked ass without your help. I asked him if we were ready to kick ass and take the other side of the river, and Lebanon. He said 'Um no. Go to the high point and take a good long look at your land. But looking's all you're gonna do. Joshua's gonna invade it, not you.'"

4:

"So listen up. You saw how God helped us kick ass at Peor. They're all dead, we're all alive. Obviously, we're gonna be kicking ass as long as we've got this God guy. So you better follow his list of rules. Remember when he gave them to us. We didn't SEE him, but we heard him coming out of this whole mountain of fire, remember? So - aw this is so important - NEVER make any STATUES. It degrades YOU to make a statue, see, because remember, when God showed up he had no physical form. You gotta serve God, not some other thing.

In fact he was so pissed when I talked to him, he said I couldn't go! So don't make any statues, because he's fire and he gets jealous easy. In fact, if you DO go and cross the Jordan, to that promised land, well - even if you're old and grey, if you make a statue, God will kick you out of the land, and you'll have to live with other odd tribes and worship THEIR statues, and their dumb Gods that can't eat, hear or smell.

WTF, people, get your act together. Didja ever hear of any other God speaking out of a montain of fire? Didja ever hear of any other God joining up with a group to take over a whole nation? What more proof do you need?"

5.

"So remember what God said. 'No statues,' He said, 'I'm jealous. Statues are worshipping something else instead of me. In fact if you have statues, I'll make life hard for not only you, but your children, and your children's children. Hey, look at it this way: if you DO worship me, I'll make life easy for your children, your children's children, and so on and so on for a thousand generations.'

'Take my name in vain and you'll get punished.'

'And no working on Sunday. No only you, but your children can't work on Sunday either. And your slaves can't work on Sunday either. Or your livestock. Not even the out-of-towners in your spare bedroom can work on Sunday. Come on, you people were SLAVES before you met me. Why would you want to work on Sunday?'

'And honor your mom and pop. And no killing. No adultery. No stealing. No false witness. And don't even desire your neighbor's stuff: not his wife, not his house, not his slaves, not his livestock.'

"God told you all this stuff, and wrote it on stone tablets for me. Now, you all thought if you heard God and saw all this fire and stuff, that you'd automatically DIE. That's some righteous stuff! I asked God about that, and he said, 'Good point. Frankly they should be afraid. A little scare might help them stay in line, because if they follow these rules, they'll be in great shape, especially since no other nation has rules like this.'"

6.

"So those are the rules, and if we follow them we'll be cool. Remember the rules. Make jewelry out of 'em, and signs if you have to. Because how cool will it be when we, a bunch of ex-slaves, go and take over, and have all these cities that we didn't even have to build, and shit we didn't even have to buy. And when your son asks you why you have to follow all these rules, tell him you were a slave once but God took over and gave you all this stuff, so we should follow His rules, because we're afraid of such a powerful dude."

7.

"When you go into your land, God is gonna uproot all these other assholes. At that point, it's no-mercy time. You're gonna CONSUME these assholes. Little by little, they'll weaken and you'll kick their ass. I mean rout them entirely, until they're ANNIHILATED. Don't just kill their kings: destroy the very name by which those kings go by, so there's not even a historical record of them. And if anyone's left, don't fret, because God will send out bees to sting them to death.

So don't be afraid of these assholes, because God is on our side, and look what He did to the Pharoahs for crying out loud!

Oh, and their religious stuff, that's the worst of all. Burn it all. But don't take their gold and stuff, just leave it behind, because if you do, you'll get used to having all this wealth and forget the God who got you there. You've got to learn to hate all their stuff. After all, God does."

8.

"Again, I can't say this strongly enough, God and the commandments. You're gonna be rich, but don't forget about God. He tried this to you before, you know. Remember when you were in the desert and starving? He gave you manna. You didn't even know what it was, but He gave it to you and you didn't starve. You thought you'd die without bread and then here's this manna all of a sudden. So when you have figs and wheat and barley and olives and honey, don't forget Number One, OK?"

9.

"And yeah, all those other assholes are bigger than us, but when we kick their ass, don't be saying it was YOU who did that. God is gonna go first, in the form of a consuming fire. He'll be the one responsible, you'll just be cleaning up afterwards. And it's not because you're so pious, it's because they're such non-God-having assholes.

I mean, when I was up there getting those tablets, you were assholes then and God was ready to kick your ass. You made a sculpture, and God told me I better go straighten you people out pronto. Luckily I was there to throw the tablets at you, destroy your sculpture, and had incredible faith and fasted for 40 days and He listened to me - or He would have destroyed you."

10.

"So after I talked him out of it and we made replacement tablets, and put them in the box I made, God told me to lead you guys so we could get to our land. So wise up. Love our God, fear our God, follow his rules. God loved your dads, so you people are chosen especially by Him."

(continued in next message)