rkzenrage

I'm not that great. A few years ago a PA o'd me. I went two weeks with no sleep (well, about two or three hours) while slowing being given larger and large doses of morphine.
I don't remember the last week and a half.
I tried at the end. I have a gun but tried to hang myself. Told them I deserved to suffer. I have a good idea why... my family goes through a lot.
I was released after the pump was removed and I got 48 hours of sleep. The first suicide attempt to be released in Polk County before the 72 hour watch time, ever. I had no intention of suing.
I know how close to the edge I am.
I was seconds from it, I was going to do it, there was no hesitation they told me.
It is a weekly struggle.
I am convicted and my reasons are in me and true... however, it is not easy. The pain never goes away, never lets up, never gives me a break and each day it is worse. That is what I have to look forward to, worse, always worse. Sometimes it seems like all I am holding on with are my fingernails and all I get is worse... I am no one's fucking hero.
I just keep thinking, what if my son thinks that I did not love him enough to stay with him? That can never be the truth, nothing will hurt that much. This will kill me soon enough anyway.