[BigV]

Hiya ME--

You have a very difficult situation there, as you well know, and I can only think out loud here. From this distance, I know practically nothing about your situation, the dynamics in the family etc. Keep in mind, my advice guaranteed valuable, it is worth at least twice what you've paid for it.

So...

Being a step parent is a tough fucking gig. I know, I am one. I've been a stepson too, so I have some first hand experience there as well. I am an adult child, though as an adult I've never had to live with my parents, step or otherwise. I have had, and do have adult step children living in my home with me. I must say all these step designations are explicit for your benefit since they are not used at all now and haven't been for years. But back in the day when they were merely rebellious repulsive teenagers, the step designation had MUCH more significance. Since then, their mother has become my ex wife; life is better in every way. That's not really what you're talking about though.

I understand the logic behind others' talk about enlisting the support of your husband. This is good advice by itself. It is good to have support, it is good to have a united parental front. However, I really *don't* like it as the main thrust to improve the situation here because it puts more power/responsibility for your own happiness/peace of mind/etc in the hands of other people, transferring it from your stepson to your husband. He might be nicer about it or more effective about it or whatever, but it is still your reaction, your state of mind. And the actions are still those of your stepson. I don't think this is a move forward as it is a move laterally. Not really progress, though definitely not regression.

I think it is more important and more useful to be respected on your own merits. How you earn that respect is ... man... that's huge. That's the whole art of being a parent, of being a grown up. But it is absolutely worth continuously striving for. If he cooperates because you asked him to, that's the best possible outcome, don't you agree?

Based on what I've read, I think you are on track with the thought that this is a power struggle. There could be (and probably are) additional considerations like some people are insensitive slobs, or simply thoughtless, etc etc. But I have a suggestion that works equally well with a thoughtless child as it does with an actively or passively hostile child. I learned this waaaay back in the day when their misbehavior was simpler but still felt hostile. It has to do with natural consequences, consistency, and a mechanical dispassion. In the parenting classes I attended it was described as the "broken record" method.

Pick a given behavior, like leaving the alarm clock on when he's not there. Remember, KISS, (keep it simple, stupid): tell him what's wrong; the alarm clock is clanging away when he's not there. Tell him what the consequences are when that happens; the alarm clock is taken away. Then enforce the rule every time, but without "showing your ass" (I've been there, it's tough and embarrassing and ineffective and diminishes the respect you've earned. Sux. Keep at it.) Others here have already talked about this, like being confronted immediately about the transgressions (door slamming).

Ask Pico how he learned his place in your pack's hierarchy. Lay out the rules and enforce them *consistently*.