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**********warning: drunk post************
ok, so i really hate being angry at her. yeah, i know that sounds stupid after everything, but it is true. in all rational thought i want nothing to do with her and wouldn't take her back if she begged... but i'm not necessarily rational.
right now i've only got too speeds and i hate it.
1) i remember the good. the person she was. AND I WANT HER BACK. with such intensity that it is frightening.
2) i focus on the heartbreaking torture she has put me through and it takes every ounce of willpower i have not to strangle her.
my category 1 moods prevent me from moving on and finding enjoyment in life. my category 2 moods can eat me alive. i don't like being angry and bitter. it just isn't me. it was once - it took a lot of work and pain to not be that person - i don't want to be that person again.
there has to be a middle ground. for lack of a better term i'll call it indifference. i want to find it. i need to find it. i pretend to live there, but it is just an act.
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