[lookout123]

Wait, this is a fun subject. I just remembered a truly horrible "not date" I had. Unfortunately, I am not embellishing this story.

Me and my friend both lived and worked downtown and we would hit happy hour at the Hilton every single day. We got along well with the bar staff and it was just a cool place to chill. One friday we're there waiting for some guys we'd invited from the office to show up. As usual we're having a fair few beverages and one of the waitresses we know is laughing and joking with us. She asked what we were doing. I explained that once the rest of the guys got there we were heading to a laid back fun bar in Scottsdale. Under the theory that "the more the merrier", I added "when you get off you should come by". Seems like a simple open statement to all the waitresses and bartenders standing there. I've seen many of them out and about. I thought nothing more of it.

About twenty minutes later the guys have arrived, had a drink and we're ready to head out. This waitress, we'll call her Sally, she runs up and says "lookout, hold on, I got someone to cover my shift so I can make it." "Great" I said, "See you there." At that point I should have had alarm bells sounding as I realize that my two regular bartenders are rolling around laughing. Literally. My group is almost to the parking lot when she catches up, and is a little huffy with me and points out it was a little rude not to wait. I apologize, as I think "don't employees have a different parking lot?" 5 awkward minutes later my friends have all piled into a few cars and left. I'm standing there a little annoyed and wondering how exactly I ended up as this chica's ride for the night. I get more annoyed when she points out she needs to go by her apartment to change. I take her to her apartment and decline her offer to come up to the apartment as the alarms are belatedly sounding in my skull.

15 minutes later she comes down in skin tight jeans with strategic tears, a see-through blouse, and a bottle of cheap champaigne. I'm horrified that she is going to be seen with me at a place I like to frequent. But, whatever. 20 minutes later I'm trying to decide if slitting my wrists was worth it to get rid of her. She slurped her bubbly from the bottle and got pissy when I didn't want to join in the fun. We arrived at the bar and as we got out of my truck she says "you didn't even compliment my outfit" and dramatically bends over. Labia. WTF? Labia. I see Labia hanging out of one of the strategically placed holes in her jeans. Then she really takes the cake when she gives me what I can only assume is an attempt at a seductive look and says, "I bet you didn't think I could fit in my daughter's jeans, huh?"

Oh, dear Lord, take me home, kill me, strike me with lightning, just end this misery now please.

The guys are sitting at an outdoor table laughing as they can see this all happening. I'm humiliated as I finally catch on that this has somehow become a date in her mind. I stumble up to the table and my buddy hands me a beer. As I take my first drink I hear her annoying voice begin to loudly make fun of some of the Scottsdale beauties that are filling the bar. Then she gets pissy because she wants a vodka drink and I haven't offered her anything. Whatever, my tab is open, order what you want, just leave me alone. I changed that policy a short time later as my buddy points out that she has consumed about $70 in liquor in 30 minutes.

The guys are laughing it up. I'm still trying to figure out how she ended up there. Did I at any time make it seem like I liked her? Whatever. She wanders in and out to make sniping comments about how a guy needs to treat her with respect. I roll my eyes and ignore her while talking trash with the guys. At some point I need a refill and because I'd switched to a cash bar I walk up to the bustling bar and stand there for a while trying to get the bartender's attention. An attractive woman starts chatting me up and we decide her friends and mine will move to the next bar over. (I'd explained that I had some weird chick following me, and she laughed) At that point good ol' Sally, swingin' Labia and all stumbles up and gets in the girl's face and slurs some insults about whores moving in on her man as she grabs my ass. That's it, I'm done. I shrug her off, tell the nice young lady that it was nice to have met her and I slink away in humiliation. My buddy is hammered and ready to go, Sally is yelling about being stranded on that side of town, yadayadayada. I tell her her to get her skank ass in the truck if she wants a ride. The night's over, so shut the fuck up.

I'm pissed off and not talking, Sally is sitting on my drunk friends lap and all is quiet for awhile. Then she slurs, "soooo, are you guys open minded?" At that point I realize she's been groping my very drunk, very not choosy, very horny friend. My friend asks what she means. Oh no, not this can of worms. I, not very politely, point out that I wouldn't fuck her with a triple condom wrap and a paperbag over her head. Drunk boy, pipes up with "I'll fuck ya Sally". Now they're both pissing me off. I can't drive fast enough.

She says she doesn't want to go home, I tell her too bad. Apparently my buddy already told her that we were going to one of our regular watering holes though so she talks me into just going there because her friends will also be there. Fine, just don't talk to me.

I tell my boy that if he even talks to her, he is on his own. He reminds me I was supposed to be his designated cockblocker when he was too drunk to avoid the really bad choices. dumbass. We're standing there at our normal pool table sucking back a couple cool ones when she walks up with another chick and asks if we're ready to get really freaky. I loudly respond with, "I'd rather shove a pool cue up my ass than touch you." She gets pissy. My friend starts laughing really hard. Too hard apparently, because we're all surprised and a bit horrified when he throws up right on her shoes. I start laughing hysterically. I shove him out the door and tell him to go to the truck and I'll settle up with the bar. Good ol' labia, er, i mean Sally follows me and says she isn't ready to leave yet. The bartender is laughing, the regulars are laughing, and I'm just dying. I give her $20 and tell her she can either spend it on shots so some poor bastard will take her home or she can call a cab, just don't ever talk to me again. As I walk out she is throwing a tantrum about what a lousy date I am.

As I walk up to my truck, drunk puke boy asks if I got her number. That's when I hit him.