[Cerebus]

First things first: we gotta get some VC. Our pitch is that we're never going to make money, but that's OK, because we're going to lose it very, very slowly. So the Cellar will help the rest of their porfolios look good by comparison, since the company will never have layoffs, earnings warnings or bankruptcy.

Second, we create a virus with the name "A Sexy Picture I Wanted To Send To You Without Consequence, No Foolin'." Once people open it, they receive the collected wit and wisdom of infamous old-time Philly BBS folks like Mike Smith, Joel Silverstein and Barak. (This will not, in fact, create any more readership for the Cellar, but it will make a limited number of people laugh their fool heads off, which is probably more important.)

Third, we make a TV spot promoting our special brand of smash-mouth, all-access message posting. We scape up the 28 cents necessary to buy the XFL championship halftime show, where we reunite BeatleMania. (I call dibs on Lennon.)

After our set, Tony (playing Paul) and I get into a huge fake brawl, where the evil Yoko (still to be cast with someone with more bankroll than sense, Ed Wood-style) gives me the upper hand by shrieking at Tony until he's rendered unconscious. I then bash Tony over the head with a steel chair, and he spells out "CELLAR.ORG" in blood on the field as the camera fades to black.

Next week, we get aggressive.