[Elspode]

I arrived at work this morning to find that one of our field personnel, a guy named TD, had taken his own life yesterday, apparently over an impending divorce.

Although I didn't know him well, TD was, for all appearances, a very together, upbeat, go-getter of a fellow. He was always smiling, reliable, punctual - from the business perspective, a dream employee. He was, in fact, on the cusp of being given considerable new responsibility and self-determination in his position with us.

When someone like TD takes his own life, it starts a guy wondering...how does one get to that point? I used to never know myself. I was always amazed and dumbfounded that someone could commit suicide, and I was more than a little judgemental and critical of those who did. Then, fifteen years ago, my wife left me while our son was lying paralyzed in a hospital, on the verge of death. As the weeks wore on and I became more isolated, more fearful, wallowing in the throes of alcoholic depression and enormous feelings of inadequacy...I finally saw it. I had finally gotten close enough to the precipice that I could see over it. I understood completely how putting out my own lights could be a solution to my misery. I had reached the point where never feeling anything again might be preferable to feeling the way I had felt for so long.

I took my Ruger out of its case, loaded it, and looked at it for a long time. Then I thought about everyone I knew, my friends, my son...my future, bleak though it seemed. And I put it away. Nothing so dramatic as putting the barrel in my mouth or up against my temple. Nothing so close as a single twitch on the trigger to dispatch my suffering. But I *saw* it, for the first time, in my mind, as a possibility. And I never wondered again how people could take their own lives.

As a sort of memorial to TD - a man who, from my point of view, had much to live for - I wanted to open up this thread. I wanted to unload a part of what I've felt this morning and the thoughts that it brought home to me. But, moreover, I wanted to ask the rest of you, my Cellar family - have *you* ever stood on the edge yourself? Have you ever tried to step off the precipice? Has someone who was dear to you done so? Do you want to share the feelings and thoughts about it?

Embracing the unthinkable from time to time keeps us emotionally and mentally free, limber, unencumbered. And maybe, just maybe, sharing our hearts and minds on this topic here, in our safe online home, will help one of us step back from the edge.