[Sundae]

I've read countless stories from children who lived through their mother's depression.
And they are kinder given the benefit of hindsight, and grow up to deal with things better than children who lived through their mother's drinking.

Drinking is a choice - to the extent that any addict has a choice once they're on that slow roll down to hell. Trust me.
Depression is not a choice. It can be managed, but you did not ask for it.

Do you still love your children?
Of course you do.
Burned them with cigarettes recently? Left them in their own faeces? Taken them to a remote location to kill them to teach your partner a lesson?
No. You're doing what you can, Anon. And it must be bloody hard. But remember part of this is the depression. I won't anthropomorphise it, but depression affects emotions, judgement and sense of self worth. That's what it is.

Keep trying and trying for a way to find help.
There is a whole world of difference between crying and child-abuse.