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Extemporaneous, if you are for real then you'll get good advice on this forum. They (forum members) diagnosed my depression while I was still in denial and were a factor in me seeking medical help.
It's hard to make responsible decisions when you're self medicating to make the bad feelings go away, but you're not the only person who has been through this. That's not meant in a harsh way - I just mean there are systems in place to help people like you and you are not alone.
Try not to let it all overwhelm you - seeking professional help for the way you are feeling would be an important first step.
Good luck.
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