[monster]

26 years. Doing math in the shower -like I do- I realized what a massive percentage of my life was spent with beest compared to without. I was 19, about to turn 20 when we met. I was 47.5 when he died. So 28 years or so, compared to 19 without. And when you think of how little of your first 5 years or so you remember..... and the rest of the pre-beest years were the shit school years with a bad home situation. No wonder I feel adrift.... I miss him, I miss us.

And they were great years. And I did know it was good, and yet I still didn't realize.... until it was gone. I don't think you can.

I'm not after sympathy or therapy or advice on how to pull myself together. I'm just saying it like it is.