[it]

i've rebuilt my life several times, but this time i have no idea how.

as far as the boy is concerned, i can barely stop thinking of him. every distraction comes back to bite my ass with "he'd love this" or "i wish i could do that with him" or "if he ever did that he'd be on time out", and lacking a distraction i just get worried and anxiest about him.

as far as she is concerned, wherever i make the transition from mad to sad, she comes back and pulls another crapy spiteful move, from continues threats to messaging me through my little sister (who doesn't even know how to read english) to the bloody little hacking move that moderators there have being working all day to fix.

a bigger and bigger part of me is just considering to say "fuck it" and press charges. let the state of canada represent me - the hacking thing alone ranges between a fine and a maximum of 5 years in jail. the only reason i have not to is the consequances to her child, and with every move she makes i feel pushed further and further. (edit: i would get some satisfaction in knowing she's doing some community service and picking dead animal carcasses though.. hm).

the thing is that right now i don't know, for the first time in a long time, where she's coming from. taking these sort of risks to her sense of independence and security, aspecially in the financial side, is so out of character for her. nothing is more important to this woman then her sense of independence, not love, not spite, nothing. this is just completely out of character for her.