[OnyxCougar]

You know, I'm not as smart as some of the folks here, or as experienced, or knowledgeable. I get that some of my ideas or the things I do might not be popular or even "right". I also understand that posting to a forum on the internet opens one up to ridicule, flame wars, trolls and all sorts of other unpleasantness. But for me, writing has always been a way of sorting things out. A litmus test. When I started lurking here in 2002, I quickly became impressed with quite a few of the folks here...and then I started posting and was accepted into this little "community". Sure, many folks fought like cats and dogs, but I always got the sense that when the chips were down, we were there for each other. Good or bad. Kindof like you yelling at your little brother but if some other kid comes up and starts yelling at your little brother, you beat the snot out of them. That sense of things.

It's been nearly 10 years and I've gone away and returned a few times. Usually, when I've returned, its been because some crazy shit is going down, and I went back to where I felt I could get some feedback. To my community.

But this time is different. I've been noticing that the community feeling...that sense of belonging to something bigger than me but smaller than my little town has evaporated. People who I used to count on for advice or a kind word are now, more often than not, just plain mean and bitchy. There are people who have arrived since I left and when before they would have been "run out of town", not for what they said but how they said it, now they are not just tolerated, but embraced. (I missed Emma, and I think I'm thankful.)

I'm generally not thin-skinned (God knows!) but I think that more lately than ever this community is reflecting more of the world at large instead of being the bastion of decency and good-natured people that I thought we had. I don't know. Maybe the change in me is that I'm not as naive and gullible as I was. Maybe none of you have changed and I'm just interpeting things in new ways.

I'm sad today because I recognize that even if no one else here is changing, I am. I'm not sure the changes have been for the better.

Plus, I think I'm having a midlife crisis anyway. If I've already peaked, I'm in serious fucking trouble.