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Column: Trump is right — Joe Biden will abolish the suburbs. And NO ONE will be safe!

Column: Trump is right — Joe Biden will abolish the suburbs. And NO ONE will be safe!

President Donald Trump is right — Joe Biden, a known supporter of evil and Marxism and America-hating, wants to abolish the suburbs.

But it’s worse than that. The Democratic presidential candidate and former vice president doesn’t just seek to abolish, he wants to bulldoze, befoul and hold pagan rituals on the ashes of the suburbs. He wants to demolish your cupboards, outlaw your scrub boards and cut up your club cards.

As Trump sensibly tweeted this week: “Joe Biden and the Radical Left want to Abolish Police, Abolish ICE, Abolish Bail, Abolish Suburbs, Abolish the 2nd Amendment — and Abolish the American Way of Life. No one will be SAFE in Joe Biden’s America!”

NO ONE WILL BE SAFE!

You have to believe these obviously truthful words and not look for any factual basis to support them. Seeking facts is what satanist DEMONcrats like Biden and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and KILLary Clinton want you to do.

Don’t get lulled into complacency by Biden’s long career in the public eye, nonthreatening and empathetic demeanor or eight years as a popular American vice president. He’s trouble.

As Trump said Thursday outside the White House: “Suburbia will be no longer as we know it, they’re gonna watch it go to hell.”

And suburb destruction is just the beginning of the havoc Biden would wreak as president.

I realize I’m getting ahead of the Trump campaign here, but allow me to detail THE MANY VERY REAL THINGS you should fear about Joe Biden.

He’s going to defund the military and force our brave soldiers to serve as gender-less spoken-word poetry ambassadors at “surrender bases” around the world. Our beautiful military weaponry, the jets and tanks and naval ships, will be melted down and forged into a towering statue of liberal billionaire George Soros, which Biden will place on the site of one of the many Midwestern churches he’ll tear down.

Every American homeowner will be required to house a member of the dangerous MS-13 street gang in their spare room, and provide that gang member with one clean hand towel, one clean bath towel and access to a guest bathroom stocked with flower-shaped soaps in an array of pastel colors. Toilet doilies will be mandatory.

Biden, immediately following his inauguration, will do away with all American borders, abolish law enforcement and declare Spanish the official language of America. All fire hydrants will be replaced with taco trucks.

He will dispatch immigrants in the country illegally to uproot any nonorganic gardens and force senior citizens to turn over their tchotchkes and knickknacks so they can be used in gift baskets for the terrorists who will be moving in next door to you.

Fields will burn. Rivers will run dry. Milkshakes will be banned.

The economy will collapse, with the dollar replaced by “Biden Bucks,” which will be equally distributed to all Americans and used to purchase protein pellets for sustenance. Health care will be available to all people, even the undeserving poor. (Gross.)

Black Lives Matter protesters will be given access to your lake houses. Liberal filmmaker Michael Moore will be named Indoctrination Czar and put in charge of all schools, gluten will be forbidden and everyone will have a peanut allergy.

The only sport allowed will be “Silencing Conservative Voices,” and events will be televised once a week on a program called “Everybody Loves Cancel Culture!” That show will be hosted by Kathy Griffin. All other stations will show “Will & Grace” reruns 24 hours a day.

Law enforcement won’t exist, crime will be encouraged and child smuggling will be incentivized. Satan, who will be Biden’s running mate, will routinely cast Christians into a lake of fire, though not on Tuesdays, because that day is reserved for mandatory yoga, meditation and statue destruction.

All of history will be erased, except for former President Barack Obama’s time in office, and that one corner of the couch you love will no longer be comfortable.

Trump’s extremely long and fantastic three miles of new border wall will be reconfigured into a square and used to imprison all white people, and the Statue of Liberty will be torn down and replaced with the Statue of Michelle Obama Wearing a Sleeveless Dress. Cows will start singing.

It’s going to be bad, folks. Don’t let yourself be fooled by so-called “fact checks” or “logic” or “a simple recognition that things could literally not get any worse.”

Biden will destroy America as we know it.

Protect the suburbs. Keep cows from singing. Vote Trump!

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com