[BigV]

Hey disenchanted:

Man, I am so sorry to hear your painful news. I think I know how you're hurting, because I have had similar experiences. There's really a lot goin on in this thread...Your original plea for help to make sense of it all, that's my starting point.

I don't know you really, at all, but you suggested you had a number of posts here and I went and reread them. You sound like a good guy. Your posts are clear and serious. You seem very sincere, earnest even. Kinda like me, minus the clarity. I recognize you. So I'll tell you about my thoughts and experience, you take what you want and leave the rest.

Specifically, what I recognize in myself, after reading your story, is an unequal desire in each partner for the other partner. You, unfortunately, desire her more than she desires you. This sucks. You're more invested, your stakes already in the game are higher, your hurt from rejection is greater. (Now, she may be flogging herself without mercy, I don't know. When she shows up here and tells us, I'll recalculate accordingly.) You soared higher, you fell farther, you hit harder. Good for you.

I am not mocking you.

Be yourself, feel deeply. But know (you know now whether you knew before or not) that the risks are great. The rewards are even greater though. This is the first sense making point I wish to emphasize. You're doing it right, at least this part.

But disenchanted, your love is not enough. Not when the other partner does not have a similar commitment to you, and to the relationship. I'm not arguing that the measure of your love needs to be equal to four decimal places, as if love could ever be measured that way. I am saying that your strong desire was enough to prompt you to invite her to join you at the next higher level of commitment. Her desire, not only unequal to yours, does not even meet that minimum threshold. This is important.

Marriage, as you know, is work, shared work. You can not do her part. In this particular situation, your love, no matter how passionate, or how desperate, can not sustain any kind of bond without her active participation. You can't cover for her on this score. You may want to, you may believe you can do it, but you can't. It is easy to miss this because of how love works, how love feels. Countless voices far more eloquent than mine have extolled the magical blindness that accompanies the feelings of love. This is second sense making point I wish to illustrate. You misread her level of commitment to you and your relationship.

To be fair, she missed it too. But that's the thing about love, it has this wonderful positive feedback effect. Probably she has some love for you, and those feelings were amplified by your love for her. It's contagious! The right answer to your Big Question (at that moment) was Yes! But the boost was not enough to carry the day. It was only temporary--the moment had passed--and the remaining level, her level of desire, wasn't enough to justify a Yes! the next morning.

I'm tempted to say that this is sad, and in a way it is sad. A loss like this really hurts, there's no question about that. But I have to confirm the cold comfort offered by many in this thread that it is no small mercy that this decision was reached at this early stage. I have lived this myself. Your belief or understanding of this point in no way alters its fundamental truth. It is a blessing in disguise. A kick-ass (or ass-kicking) disguise to be sure, but an awesome blessing needs an awesome disguise. I do share your pain. I know this hurts and I hate to see you suffer.

As to the communication issue, what do I know? Clearly it went off the rails, soared in a pleasant free fall for a while, then cratered spectacularly on the opposite side of the ravine. Fascinating and horrifying at the same time. Communication is another shared enterprise, like marriage, that can not be done by one. While much of what makes a marriage work depends on communication, the blinding effect of love that makes marriage easier, makes communication harder. Much harder. Much blinder. You heard what you wanted to hear, through the filters of your powerful feelings for her. Same goes for her. Then when the blinding intoxication of love wore off the next day, a review of the minutes from the previous meetings produced a shocked surprise. In my experience, reviewing the transcripts for he said, she said is rarely useful for anything except accumulating more ammunition for more conflict. Don't bother. Start/continue where you are now. Have a short memory. Short and selective. (Yeah, I know that cuts both ways. So sue me.) Recriminations are counter productive. My sense making point: selective hearing under the influence of love, both parties guilty. Move on, move forward.

What else is there? Your future, your immediate future? Ok, I'll bite on that one too. "Giving some space..." zomg. Herculean. And Sisyphean. But noble and worthwhile. If you press, she withdraws. If you chase, she runs. If you pursue, she flees. Proceed accordingly. A friendly suggestion from someone who also feels deeply--pick the maximum distance, psychically, temporally, physically that you tolerate, and double it. Use that as your baseline. Not to get all Johnathan Livingston Seagull on you, but if she wants contact, wants *you*, she'll find you. If you don't hear from her, it's not time yet. Don't despair, this is not permanent, despite how it feels. When you've reached your absolute limit, and then waited some more... you'll cave and contact her. That's ok. You'll learn something and you can recalibrate at that time. It will be ok.

It will be ok. You know this because you yourself said so, and lived this truth based on your previous posts over the years. Yeah, I know it sucks in the meantime. Sorry. At least you have all of us to entertain you while you heal.