[BigV]

Dear kerosene

You have a very hard job in front of you. It can be about the most gratifying work you'll ever do, but it is really hard and really long and there aren't any breaks. Totally worth it though, totally.

I say this as a son and stepson and as a father and stepfather.

I strongly support a few of the things that have been said by the others, I'll add a couple of observations of my own here. They're not in any particular narrative order, just some thinking out loud. This one stands out for me.

I have heard from you (and in my own families) a common cry that you love him more! This is hurtful to hear, and probably said by one full of hurt. Here's what I have found that cuts this Gordian knot. It is true. Not especially the "more" part though that is what they say and feel. I (you) love them differently, and in some ways that means more. Admitting this takes *a lot* of the sting and the power out of the unfair and inaccurate/inappropriate accusation.

But just like you give them different amounts of food, one more or one less, and just like they have a different number of socks, one more and the other less, just like you go farther to bend down to kiss one on the head more than you do for the other.... these distinctions are worthless. They are useless measures for what they're trying to quantify. More love? Really? How much more? A quart? A meter? An hour and a half? ah... no. A bigger toy? More tv time? Fewer chores? Perhaps these are closer to reality. But even then they may not be significant.

When I heard "you love him more" it was always a cry for fairness. Kids have an acutely developed sense of fairness. And it's easy to transgress. But the key I found was to appeal to this very sense of fairness. First, I established that just in the context of me and ONE child, that they were sure I loved them. Certain. This is the whole deal really, because none of my kids wanted to be loved more than their sibs, just not less than their sibs. And this was because they felt unloved/less loved. Only when I reminded them of the truth of the matter, that I found them precious and unique, a source of cherished pride, did they relax a little. When they knew I loved them, when they felt loved, then they were less worried about somebody else getting the love they felt they lacked.

Then we turned to the relative balance of this love. This was always a fairness issue. You let him do xyz but I had to abc, repeat--forever. I'll tell you kerosene, there is no way to make this "equal" to four decimal places. There. Will. Always. Be. A. Difference. Viva la difference! My goal was to change the focus from more/less to different. And different because the kids themselves are different. You know this. They know this. Make this the topic of discussion. Different is ok, in fact, different is appropriate. When the older ones complained that the younger ones got off easy, and took me to task for being unfair, I accepted the conversation. Then I said, sure. I'll treat you both the same. Even steven. But, since he's 8 and you're 16, I can't really treat him like a 16 year old, so that means I have to treat you like an 8 year old. I'm ok with that, even though it means a lot more work for me. But it will be "fair", it will be even. When the younger one chafed at the restrictions on him that were absent for his older sibs, I offered him the same deal, but let's not forget the greater load of chores, or homework, etc... Hmmm? Still want in on it? The answer was no. Two of the kids are a lot closer in age, so this particular emphasis wasn't as effective, but there were other differences that they still didn't want to trade for once the whole package was made clear to them.

And that's the key. Making it clear to each individual child that they are LOVED by you, in the way they can comprehend, so the KNOW it. That is what they want. That is what they have. You just have to point it out to them.