[anonymous]

The song that made me cry was by Queen, "You're my best friend"

I have a best friend right now, and this is good, but my best friend is moving away soon.
Your best friend is there for you, spending more time with you, and with my own children, than I am.

I'm not here, because I am taking care of the responsibility of supporting my family, and killing myself with stress, having a mental breakdown, just to get that done. At the end of the day, nobody says "Thank You" to me for what I do. And while I am cracking under the pressure, nobody says to me, "It's going to be okay."

When they say "You're my best friend" in the song, I assume they mean two people that have made a commitment to be there for each other, for comfort and reassurance, when life gets hard and things feel like too much to deal with.

I'm reaching out to everybody I know, right now, grasping for any kind of connection, reassurance. My best friend is moving away, and very soon I will be very much under constant aggravation at work, and it will be much worse--and I imagine this will not improve my emotional stability. And when I come home, I will be alone in my own home; because I know you deserve to be given all the space you need to work through your own issues.

I naively assumed that you would always be there for me, to be my “best friend” when I needed it. Meanwhile, it was something I was unwilling or unable to do for you, when you needed it. Nonetheless, I assumed you would always be there for me. And for this, I feel that I am the worst kind of hypocrite, calling out for help that I was never able to offer. But I could not know how to do something that was never done for me, in my own life.

There is a certain kind of kind of naiveté of a child, who believes that someone will be there to comfort them when they need it. I’ve always worried that our children don’t get enough of that comfort and reassurance, and the insecurity that this might breed within them, not ever having been reassured that they shouldn’t worry about everything, bear the burden of a thousand worries without a single thought given to how much terror a person can feel when facing the unknown and scary parts of life that they haven’t figured out yet, and maybe need a little help with. Nobody ever did that for me, and I grew up terrified of the unknown.

The song says, “You’re my best friend” –and that is a happy song, when you feel you have that. But when you feel that this is something you’ve had, and something you've ruined; this is not a happy song.

I've been so isolated in my own world of stress and worries that the only truly close relationships I think I have had over the past few years are with our children. Their trust that everything is always going to be okay is heartbreaking; and sadly I feel just as naively committed to the idea.

This is not intended to be a guilt trip; this is my experience--a waking nightmare that I am trying to fight my way through. If a song on the radio makes me cry--maybe it’s me overthinking this, but I won’t bother you with the details. In the state I’m in, I’m only making things worse. You’ve made that clear. Maybe this is what I deserve after everything I’ve done.

But writing this down helps me to understand, and posting it here can be construed as nothing less than a cry for help. In the whole world, maybe one kind stranger will say the right thing, to make me feel that comfort, that reassurance that "It's going to be okay," that I have never felt in my life.