[Catwoman]

I test people all the time. They always fail. This is because I am a WOMAN.

Tests I perform on unsuspecting males include:

- The Come Hither Eye Test

This involves gazing at said man through lowered eyelids in the middle of a conversation. The conversation need not be remotely romantic. If the man responds with an equally seductive gaze, I conclude that he is in love with me. If he continues in conversation, he is not interested. He doesn't love me. Bastard!

- The 'How Much Do You Love Me' Test

As a WOMAN, it is important that every man I meet falls in love with me. I will always try to make them fall in love with me, even if I think they are less attractive than a three year old apple core. This gives me SECURITY and makes me feel WANTED. I can tell how much a man loves me by testing the speed at which he comes to my rescue (e.g. if my car brakes down) and by whether he is willing to open doors for me, fight other men for me, and get on with my father. If the man fails any one of the above tests, he is in denial of his love for me and is therefore Not Good Enough.

- The IQ (Impossible Question) Test

To get an accurate understanding of someone's intelligence it is necessary to first evaluate their response to unexpected stimulae. This can take the form of unprecedented sarcasm, presentation of a contraversial object (such as a vibrator) or an Impossible Question. If they respond promptly with style and vivacity, they have passed The IQ Test. If they in any way stumble, stall or mess their up words, they have failed miserably.

I am now going to test my potential lover's desire for me by arriving home early to see if he has cooked me dinner, bought me flowers and is lying in bed naked covered in rose petals having spent the entire day alone dreaming about me and offering up an engagement ring on a solid gold cushion.