[chainsaw]

I give myself credit (not often enough) for getting through the last year. As some of you know, in August 04 I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. It was kept under control with meds and diet until March 05 when I was hospitalized for the first time with a bad flare. They thought I was OK, so I went back to normal life.

June 05 It had become very bad again and I was again hospitalized and told I would need surgery to remove the diseased portion of my small intestine, in the most common place Crohnies have problems, the terminal ileum. July 05 I finally found a surgeon I trusted and had 11” of my small intestine removed (I asked if I could have it but the surgeon said we should send it to be tested instead). I went home a week later feeling better than ever.

Three days later, I was back in the ER, dizzy and vomiting, with a temperature of 104. I had a leak where they reattached my intestines (so I was basically shitting inside myself – not good) AND I had contracted a staph infection from the first surgery. If we had waited much longer, my body would have shut down and I would have died. I was rushed into emergency surgery at 11:30pm on a Saturday night. I woke up to find that I had an ileostomy (like a colostomy, but from the small bowel instead of the colon) and a “wound vac” (Google KCI Wound V.A.C. if you’d like) attached to my surgery incision (looked like a smile – from hip to hip). They couldn’t close me because of the staph infection. You could literally see my intestines when they changed the dressings. My husband doesn’t get woozy often, but he turned white as a sheet when he saw that! If you’re wondering, no, I never looked.

I had no immune system by then, so I was put in a “clean room” and everyone that came to see me had to be suited and gloved. I never knew what it was like to long for skin to skin touch. Just a handshake would have made me a little less depressed, but it was for my own good and I knew it wouldn’t be forever.

So I had this vacuum machine attached to me for the next 2+ months along with the beauty and comfort of the ostomy bag for close to 6 months. I was on a Total Parenteral Nutrition IV for about 8 weeks and went most of that time without eating (got down to 96 lbs). I was allowed to drink small sips of water every now and then. They also found several abscesses around my intestines. A couple had to be drained by inserting a large needle and sucking out the contents. OH! And I had fluid collecting around my liver that was causing me a lot of pain so they stuck a huge needle in through my back to drain it (a little over a pint of Mountain Dew looking fluid). All done while I was awake, by the way.

I was in a bed for so long that I had to have physical therapy to help me walk again. They even sent me home from the hospital with a walker! I’m WAY too young to need a walker! But I found the humor in it and joked with my Grandma about us having walker races.

Thankfully, I got to have the ileostomy reversed Feb 06 and have come back to work after 9 months. Life goes on. Big, nasty scars and all.

You’d think I would have gone nuts after all of this, right? In the hospital 74 days and it seemed like every day someone would come to give me more bad news. How did I cope? Well, the pain meds kept me a little loopy and I was given so much in the beginning that some of it is still a blur. But I had a wonderful support team. My husband was with me every step of the way. My mom and dad (who have been divorced for 14 years) were there for me and each other, every day. My friends would come and hang out with me, decorate my hospital room, joke about my poop bag and “the cherry tomato” (Google stoma). Don’t get me wrong, I did my share of freaking out every now and then, but I was so sure that it couldn’t get any worse! I had to keep the nurses laughing so they’d be in a good mood around me. I had to watch for that light at the end of the tunnel. I knew it had to come.

I realize how precious life is.
I realize how much my family and friends love me.
I realize how strong I am despite my insecurities.
And I realize that a sense of humor really helps in a shitty situation.