[DanaC]

You know what would be really cool, is if the damned universe would just give you a fucking break. You don't deserve the shit stuff, and you deserve a whole lot more of the good stuff.

I feel for you hon. You're in a bind and it's going to take some maneuvering on your part to extricate yourself from it. Which, of course, is difficult if the situation is leaving you exhausted and mentally drained.

Not sure how useful advice from me might be (I'm not exactly renowned for being competent at life - competent at work, sure.....at life? Not so much) but for what it's worth:

It really depends on two things - are you thinking of applying for a job that has been posted as a vacancy, or making a speculative approach to the college. it also depends on whether losing contact with your friend means you no longer have contact details for her, or just that you haven't kept in touch with each other.

First, if it's a speculative approach, then in the middle of being sleep deprived is a bad time to try and sort anything out - that combination of shattered and wired is a great time for realising that something has to give, but it's a bad time to seek solutions. For few weeks focus on trying to get rested - if necessary you may need to take a couple of days off sick from work - even if that means you make your precarious finances worse this month. You cannot, physically continue to go without sleep without eventually crashing and burning.

Give yourself permission to not look for or investigate solutions to your overall situation until you've got some rest. Give yourself permission to not think about that at all - remind yourself of that when it all starts whirling round your head. Aim to reopen the issue 2-3 weeks from now. Ditto for anything else you're currently trying to get sorted out, or feel like you should be doing, but can't make yourself do.

When you come back to thinking about a longer term plan, start with something manageable - jot down a list of possible small actions that might be useful (such as identifying possible references, writing up a new cv, contacting former employer, first draft of general purpose letter of introduction that could be fired off to potential other employers you can think of etc). Doesn't have to be an exhaustive list and you may not do, or need to do everything on it. It's just a starting point. Try to break things down to component tasks. So, for instance, don't aim to write a letter, aim to do a first draft. Even if all you do is write the introduction. You can come back to it and add more. Gathering and collating the information you'll need for an updated resume / application form is a task in itself - putting that information into a resume is another, as is writing a personal statement. Keep to short, simple tasks.

Only attempt one or two of these things in a week - given your current work burden, it is probably wise to aim for no more than 1/2 hr - 1 hr on this stuff in any one week. If you're hit with a sudden coincidence of a bit more time and a bunch of energy and focus, then you can always run with that, but don't expect it of yourself and then feel like shit if the jobs you're doing just don't make that possible.

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey, as they say ;p

Try not to beat yourself up if you find those tasks beyond you at times.

Don't feel bad about calling on someone for a reference, you're not using them. You're just asking for their assistance in a small matter. We are social animals in a social world - connections matter, even small ones and even fleeting ones. They are a normal part of the mechanisms of the world you're in. Don't tie one hand behind your back through misplaced guilt.

All that said: the above in terms of applying for jobs is only relevant if you're thinking of approaching the college yourself. If there is a current vacancy that you're thinking of applying to, and your main concern is references, then you may need to sharpen up the timescales for this one thing. If that's the case - yes, absolutely apply, regardless of your concerns over references. Put down the reference you think you can put down, no matter if you feel you're using her (you're not). If you have just fallen out of touch with, but still have contact details for your friend give her details for use as a reference and send her an email to ask her if that's ok. Your current employer surely would also be a possible reference?

Whatever you do, just remember we all love you. You are awesome - that's just a scientific fact.