[DanaC]

Ok...beanspilling is it? *nods* fair enough. I just split from my partner of 12 years....I say just, it was actually nigh on two years ago....and found myself in the unenviable position of staying in a back room at my mum's little cottage. I tried to find a place to rent but my credit rating is shot to buggery and all the letting agents credit check.....I finally moved to my own place about 3 months ago. This is the first time in my entire life I have lived alone. *smiles*

My ex and I never had what anyone might call a simple relationship *chuckles* We were a couple of messed up teens with our fingers hovering over the self destruct buttonwhen we met. I loved him though. I am quietly convinced I will never love anybody the way I loved him. Still love him. He is the one who was there when I did much of my growing up. We were each other's sounding board whilst we were figuring out, who we were, what we thought....and helping each other learn to cope with what life had dealt us.

There were some very dark times. Recreational drugs taken too far ( though never to addiction and rarely for long) the abandonment of study and ambition....A lot of the time we were both quite depressed and neither of us really equipped to deal with the other's angst....though we tried. Sometimes we were explosive...not violence....but that crackling edge of lightening underneath it all. We were intensely political and were active on the left.

I dont know. Somewhere along the line having no money and living in a dying town that seemed to sap the will from all its inhabitants we just ......slipped into coping.

Its the strangest thing. For all the world its like I went to sleep for a handful of years....I probably did in fact *chuckles* I became a champion sleeper....now theres a surefire way to escape for a while.

We were so explosive when we met. It felt like rock and roll. Sid and Nancy. Bob and Sarah Dylan...I remember making the decision within months that I would fight for this til the day I die.....I would be the unconditional love. I would always always be there. Quite a shock then when I realised it was not what I wanted any more. Quite a shock when I realised I was in fact deeply unhappy....When the idea first struck I chased it away. It was anything and everything but the need to be single...That was not an acceptable solution. I had made my decison and would try to live with it.

What made it so hard was that I never stopped loving him. I just stopped wanting to be in a relationship with him. Even that wasnt as cut and dried as it sounds. I was in a state of such terrible confusion. I never want to feel such confusion again.

He I dont doubt was having his own time of questioning. We'd been one of those couples that had raging rows that led to one or the other turning up at a parent or friends house with a glum look....but that never actually felt like breaking up....not really. Such a thing in reality seemed almost inconceivable.It was as if the fact of our relationship hadbecome immutable even whilst we recognised that we were in crisis....we'd been in crisis so much of our time together.

I realise as i write this it all sounds terribly bleak......and it was....except for when it wasnt if that makes sense ;P there were times of great closeness. There were evenings just chilling and talking every subject under the sun. When the levels of stresss dropped below boiling we were each other's best friend. We started and ran a business together with my brother. We did many things together. We tried to make it work

The break up was less messy than one might expect after 12 years. We had no kids, it had never seemed the right time....we do share custody of a colliedog though *smiles* But even though we both tried desperately not to hurt the othr it isnt possible to come to terms with the fact your partner of many years no longer wants you a partner without some degree of pain.

The last few years together were a maelstrom of stress both from outside the relationship and within... oh the times I have plastered a brave face across that...All I wanted to do was stop breathing. Anything but deal with the conclusion that was starting to make itself felt. I havent felt so alone before or since. Such dualism in my thinking, such confusion I felt. And fear. In such a state I was, that I gave many a mixed signal and made many a preemptive strike....I made it messier than it needed ti be at times.....and at other times I did the right thing. I suspect in roughly equal proportions.

So...here I am....alone....on the wrong side of 30 wondering what happened to the 18 yr old hippy chick with a passion for history and a fiery temper. I used to wonder that when I was still in the relationship and it would make me feel cold....Now I feel sad but content. This is what I have wanted for last few years. I have spent somany hours daydreaming of this solitude...now I have it and I find I do not guard my time so jealously...I dont sleep as much, I read more. And my ex? Is still my best friend. After all I helped him grow into the man he is just as he helped me become the woman I am.

The most disconcerting thing now for me, is that I cannot imagine ever wanting to give up my single life and have no real desire to launch into any relaionships.....almost two years it all still feels like it just happened.....I am still revelling in my independance and space. I have a nagging fear that I will get to the age of 60 and then think.....shit..I should have gone for it. Fear of fear.....great, another circular thought pattern:P

There.....thats how today's me characterises the breakup.....ask me another day it would probably change some. Impssible to really capture a process involving more than one person and several years in such a way.....

Incidentally....I am back to my historical studies and redicovering my self in a way only someone who has been through such a lifechanging experience can do....Whilst my ex is currently involved in a love triangle about which I tease him mercilessly ;P

((I cant believe how long this post turned out to be....sorry..:p