[Sundae]

Bruce says what I'm thinking, only betterer, yet again.

When I couldn't find where I was going in Leeds, it felt like the whole world was falling apart. I knew it was an over-reaction, and in the end, with the not inconsequential aid pf Carruthers' calming voice, I came back to a more normal hmmm-I-think-they-should-have-a-better-meeting-point reaction.

A few months back I would have retreated. Gone home and not even had the guided walk I paid for. Probably cried all the way home too, and felt sickened at myself as I did so. I did not choose my over-reaction. I shared it not for sympathy but as a window into my mental state, as I'm doing now.

Through learned skills, my own understanding of my reaction and kind help I was able to shake it off. I wouldnt have done previously. I won't even have to go through it in a few months more (I hope) because I'll be much more in control.

I see happiness in the same way.
I am more than pleased to take content, fair to middling, can't complain. And the blips are what are teaching me how to stay there more and more often. When I wake up and feel trapped, distressed, worthless, I now know it will pass. I have more than the vast majority of people in the world in terms of material wealth. I can choose dry, clean, well (if mundanely) fed, safely hydrated. Is this enough to make me happy? No. Will it suffice if it stops me spiralling down into drink and horror? Yes. Will happiness come? It's already here in fits and starts and moments.

It's the euphoria I have to watch for.