[Sundae]

Of course I remember you Sandy.
Christ on a bike, this isn't the welcome back post I want to write though.

Shawnee has morphed into Infinite Monkey. She's still a very valued member of the Cellar and I wouldn't presume to speak for her regarding her mental state these days.
All I can tell you is that Brianna has been our only suicide as far as I know.

I am so close to the edge myself. Or to use the "putting out the lights" analogy, let's say my finger hovers over the switch on a daily basis, in my mind if not to the extent of making actual plans. Even as I sit typing this I am aware of how hyper-sensitive to noise I am, my nerves are turned up to screaming pitch and just the click click fucking click of that man's cutlery as he eats his breakfast makes me want to grab his fork and bury it in his throat.

My story is very different than yours, except for the point we've reached.
You've had a successful relationship for a start, my longest was with my cat, and I left him long enough to die in a stranger's arms. It may be troubled/ over/ in its death throes, but the man exists.

You were bullied at school but were an academic success; I was teased but in hindsight I was considered popular. They were still talking about me when my brother went to the same school a year after I left, apparently. I heard years later about how I was perceived and it did not match how I saw myself at the time. I certainly have never lived up to the potential of my intelligence. One of the many incorrect sobriquets applied to me over the years has been "well educated" despite leaving school at 16.

I've even been called refined, as if I'd been to the Sorbonne rather than state school.
The only way I've been refined is like sugar - treated in a way that made me more damaging...

What are we going to do?
Those of us with our impossible first world problems, our unsolvable personalities?
Just depend on the sufferance of those we've allowed to get close. Keep breathing. Enjoy wearing tight sparkly sweaters with rabbits on them.
And know that one day this will be done and whether we we're Victor Mature or Zsa Zsa Gabor we're all worm food.

Sorry hon. I'm a bad person to ask right now.
I hope one of the successful and clever people here replies.
I'm neither. But I really do look good in this sweater. Even with the arterial spray on it.