[Sundae]

This is the container I received Diz's ashes in (the photo is not clear, it's a cylinder of a wood full of bluebells)
I make no apologies for carrying it with me, there was a genuine reason it travelled.
Now I'm faced with wondering where to scatter the boy, given that he was born and adopted as an indoor kitty. May keep him a while, while I think about it. I was his home in the same way he was mine. I wanted him with me when I wanted to die recently.

But anyway this paeon is to my Mum.
As discussed recently it costs quite a lot to have a cat to be put down.
Diz had a stroke and there was no choice. Mum paid.
It costs more to have the cat cremated separately and not just disposed of. Mum paid.
And it probably costs more to have a lovely container and not just a cardboard box. Mum paid.

Did I hear a single word about how much she spent?
No. Never.

And the weekend she came up to see me in Leeds, when I was still in rehab, Diz was already showing signs of being "not quite right", although the stroke took him suddenly.

She lived with me and the boy for a good few years. Yes, he was a major pain in the arse for her, with his unexplained urination in her extremely clean house, his occasional unexplained vomiting and his weird scratch/ bite attacks. But not only did he love her, she could see how much of a unit we were.

And she sat there, outwardly calm, as I prattled on about not being able to come home for Christmas as I couldn't leave the boy again. And how although rehab was sorting me out, I would sort out the flat for the sake of the Dizcat. And how I loved him so much and couldn't believe I could have let him live on the state the flat was in for so long, and how he was the only thing I would change about rehab.

I even took her to Leeds indoor market where they have kittens, to laugh and adore them and say they weren't a patch on Diz.

And she never twitched a muscle.

I do not mean that in in uncaring way.
She knew he was very ill. I think she knew he was close to death. And she knew US.
She did it because she loved me, and because I told her not to tell me if he had a problem, thinking it would be minor and would affect my treatment.
She sat there and took it all.
And don't forget she loved him too.

I did not deserve this.
Thank you Mum.