This really falls under the category 'small things that are upsetting' but since there's not that specific a thread I'll put it here.
Couldn't sleep early this morning, so thought "hey, I'll make a McDs run." Didn't eat dinner and I figured I'd just get an early start and for some reason a sausage biscuit sounded good (see, there's my first mistake--payback for craving a junk food.)
On my way home my car started shaking and clunking and the engine light was blinking and I was afraid to keep driving but I really had no choice: I'd just hopped in my car for the quick trip, was still in sweats and crappy shoes, and I'd left my cell at home.
Well, got my car home. Cried for a bit. Took a couple sleep aids because 'fuck it' and went back to sleep.
I woke up feeling a little better and thought I'd chance the drive to the shop (it's only a couple miles away) and it was doing all those things I mentioned.
When I started to tell the desk lady what was going on I started crying. Well, I'd just had my car in the shop for 2 weeks and 2 days. I'd just spent shy of 1500 dollars getting everything fixed. I had thought I was good to go and was proud of myself for taking care of it (it's hard to do stuff like that when you're alone. I had to rely on a couple friends to cart me to the grocery store...and asking for help is not my forte.) So here I was again and I was afraid it was dead, ruined. fucked up for good.
The shop owner, who I've known for years, was very nice. He said he thinks it's
blah blah blah something about a cylinder 'missing' or not firing or something like that blah blah blah. I don't understand carspeak but he was very very nice and that helped a LOT. They looked at it right away. I told him I was sorry I was upset but...and he goes "Oh, I understand. You just spent all that money on it..." and he had one of his employees take me home.
I've been proud of myself lately because I'm trying really hard to get my shit together. I was so scared my car would be pronounced dead and then what would I do? I guess it still could be but M didn't seem to think it was anything really serious.
But, there it is: I was SORRY for being upset when why should I have been sorry? There is always that nagging feeling deep inside that I am the cause of everything that goes wrong. I don't know why I do that. It's a great burden when you're pretty sure all the ills of the world are your direct responsibility. Of course I'm exaggerating and trying to throw in some levity, but there is that constant feeling of being 'less than' and if I were more, things would be better.
Oh well. That's all. I'm fine and my family is fine and my oldest nephew (and godchild) is getting married to a wonderful girl a week from tomorrow. Life isn't
all crap and mud puddles.
I just got really frustrated.
