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The trouble with gender messages is they're often quite subtle. They also affect us at an early age, much earlier than any conscious understanding of how they are affecting us can develop. And it's hard to think back and see the ways in which they may have been present sometimes.
I think of myself as not having a head for maths. For years I have more or less considered myself to be number blind. I struggle with scientific and mathematical subjects. I'm a communicator, good at language and the humanities. Fairly typically female in that regard. I tend to think of myself as always having been that way.
But actually, when I was 11 years old I was top of my year in maths and science. I was so good at maths that I was off working through the next year's workbooks on my own: whilst the rest of the class were still struggling with improper fractions, I was learning how to do binary calculations.
Somewhere between the ages of 11 and 14, I stopped being good at maths and science and took on a different sense of self.
Why that was, I'm not wholly sure. But it's a very common theme amongst girls. Was I taking messages from the culture around me? Was it the way the school taught those subjects?
I don't know. But I do know that when it came time to choose subject options at 14, I was persuaded to continue with physics and chemistry but failed both those exams in the end. In those classes there were around 3 boys for every girl. The teachers were male. One of them, Mr Singardia, was awesome. Lovely man who expected as much from his girls as he did from his boys. The other, Mr Leigh, was old school.
The only science subject that had more girls than boys in the class, was biology. Also the only science subject with a female teacher.
So what messages were being sent out in those classes?
Here's a few examples of how those classes were masculine in nature: textbook illustrations all showed male scientists; tv programmes we were shown all had male presenters; other than the biology teacher, all sciences, maths and computer science classes were taught by male teachers. And those teachers spoke to boys and girls differently - for instance: kids talking and not listening would get pulled up, regardless of gender: but when the boys were told off it was for messing around in class, when the girls were told off it was for 'holding a mothers meeting' (yes that exact phrase was used several times, it was one of the chemistry teachers favourite little barbs). Male teachers made jokes about girls being more interested in boys and makeup.
Was any of that why I changed from having good maths skills and understanding, to a lack of skills and a self-image of not having a head for numbers? I don't know. But it was one of the key reasons I changed my mind about what I wanted to do when i grew up. For years I had wanted to be an archeologist. But I remember, very clearly, realising that a lot of archeology involved technical and scientific engagement. By the time I was 14 I wanted to be an English teacher.
I still consider myself appalling at maths and sciences.
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