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Dagnabit · 03-27-2001, 09:01 PM

11.

"OK, (repeats a lot here) we're about to cross over Jordan and head into our land. Our land is better than the other lands, because there's seasonal rain. You don't have to water your crops, the rain does it for you. Of course the warranty is null and void if you don't follow the rules and worship God. There won't be any seasonal rain then. (repeats a lot more)"

12.

"And just to make it clear, once you get there, you can't just do whatever you like. For example, don't offer your burnt sacrifices just anywhere. You have to do that where the Lord says. Oh, you can kill your gazelles or deer, if you want to eat meat. But not the blood, since that's the 'life' - and you shouldn't eat the 'life' with the meat. Just pour that out. Take the sacrifices and burnt offerings, and put them up on the altar, and pour the blood out next to it, and just eat the meat."

13.

"And, you know, there are going to be false prophets. Whatever you do, don't listen to them. In fact, if a family member says you should go check out the other Gods, you have to kill him. You yourself have to start the killing, and then everyone else in the community should join in. It's the only way to keep everyone afraid. In fact, if these "other God" activities start in another town, you'll just have to go kill everyone in that town. I mean, investigate it first, but if it turns out to be true, kill all the people AND all of their livestock. Put everything in the middle of the town and burn it as an offering to God. Then God will show you compassion."

14.

"OK, we talked a little about the meat, here are the details. OK to eat: anything with a split hoof and that chews the cud, including: ox, sheep, goat, antelope, gazelle. Not OK is anything that chews the cud and does NOT have a split hoof, like the camel and the rabbit. Not OK is anything with a split hoof that doesn't chew the cud, like the pig.

As far as seafood, go with anything with fins and scales.

Any clean bird is OK; unclean birds include eagles, vultures, owls, storks, and bats.

Insects are RIGHT OUT! Road kill is also bad.

Bring some of your stuff to church to eat it, and please feel free to bring the outcasts who don't have a church or any money."

15.

"Hang together, cancel each other's debts. You won't be poor; come on, you're God's chosen people. If someone seems to be poor, he can be your slave for six years, after which you can give him some of your stuff and set him free. If he doesn't want to go free, pierce his ear with an awl, which makes him your servant for life. Same goes, by the way, for woman slaves."

16.

"We'll have a couple feasts each year, to mark a few holy times. Also, we'll have fair judges that will not take bribes. Also, no trees or sacred stones near God's altars; He hates those."

17.

"Don't sacrifice defective animals to God; that'll just piss Him off. And again, if anyone's worshipping any other God while living in Israel, investigate it thoroughly, and if it's true, take up to the city gate and stone 'em to death. Make sure there are two witnesses. And the witnesses will start the killing. If the judges can't figure out what to do, ask the priests. If someone doesn't like the judges or the priests, kill him. That'll keep the people on their toes. Also, God has to choose your kings, and your kings had better read this stuff every day so they don't think they're better than God's law."

18.

"Priests have to stay poor, but they can eat some of the parts of the offerings you bring to burn for God. No witchcraft, because God hates that. By the way, God told me I was his prophet and He is speaking through me. If you find anyone else claiming to speak for God, and what he says doesn't come true, put him to death."

19.

"Set up three cities in the new land. IF anyone accidentally kills a neighbor, he can go to the city to save his own life. Of course, if anyone goes to the city after purposefully killing a neighbor, send him back to the avenger to be killed. No pity. Again, two witnesses."

20.

"Again, God is with us, so when we go to take over faraway cities, we gotta be into it. First we give 'em a peace offering: if they let us in, they only have to be our slaves. If they don't, we kill all the men, and take the women, children, livestock and everything else as plunder. Of course, for the cities God is giving to us as part of the promised land, there we just kill everything. That way they can't teach us their religions. But don't be dumb; don't cut down fruit trees where you could eat the fruit. Cut down OTHER trees to make siege weapons."

21.

"If you find a dead body and don't know who killed him, take a calf to an unplowed stream, kill it by breaking its neck, wash your hands over it and say a declaration and all will be cool. If you capture your enemies, and notice a sexy broad amongst the captives, you're allowed to have her; shave her head, cut her nails, let her pine for her parents for a month and then you can screw her. At that point she's your wife, but if you get tired of her, just dump her, but don't SELL her... she's been through enough.

If you have two sons by different women, one of which you love and the other you don't, and the real first born is of the one you don't, the REAL firstborn will be due twice what he would normally have inherited in your will, since he's the first sign of your strength.

If a son of yours acts up, bring him to the elders, and all the people of the town should stone him. (i.e., place heavy rocks on him until he is dead.) That'll keep people in line. However, if you hang somebody, cut 'em down the same day."

22.

"Treat your people's animals OK. Don't cross-dress; God HATES that. Build parapets on your roofs so nobody falls off them and dies. Find a bird's nest? It's OK to take the chicks or eggs, but let the mother go. Don't plant two different kinds of seeds in the same vineyard. Don't wear wool and linen woven together. Put tassels on your cloaks.

If a man claims that his wife was not a virgin to get out of the marriage, her parents have to provide proof that she was a virgin. If they have proof, the guy has to pay a fine. If they don't, the wife has to be stoned to death. If a man sleeps with another man's wife, both have to be stoned to death.

If a man has sex with a woman who's engaged to someone else, and this happens in town, they both have to die. If this happens outside the town, only he has to die. You see, in town she has a chance to scream out and stop it; outside of town she doesn't. If a man rapes a virgin not pledged to be married, he has to pay a fine to her father, and he also has to marry her and they can never divorce."

23.

"You can't go to church if your balls are damaged or if your dick is cut off. If you're a bastard, you and your family can't go to church for ten generations. Certain enemies can't go to church, especially because they were assholes when we were leaving Egypt. Egyptians themselves are OK and their grandchildren can go to church.

When battling another town, if a soldier has a wet dream that night, he has to go outside the camp, wait all day, clean himself up at dusk, then he can come back at night. And please, when you're a soldier, build latrines and bury your shit. God has to walk there Himself and would hate to see your excrement.

No whores in Israel, women OR men. Bring whoring money to pay a church vow and God will be really pissed.

And if you make a promise to God, pay up quickly."

24.

"If a guy marries, and later on is unhappy with his wife, he can divorce her. She can remarry. But if the second marriage goes south and she divorces again, or if the second guy dies or something, she absolutely can't marry the first guy again.

If a guy gets married, he doesn't have to go to war or to work for a year. Stay home and be happy for a while.

The punishment for stealing from a fellow Israelite: death. If there's a leprosy outbreak, be careful. Don't take advantage of your employees. Fathers aren't to be killed for things their children have done, nor children for their fathers. Be cool and leave a few tidbits in the gardens for the poor."

25.

"Judges can give beatings as punishment, but no more than 40 lashes. If two brothers are living together and one of them marries, then dies without a son, the other brother has to marry the woman. The first son she has after that has to be named after the dead guy so his name lives on. If he doesn't want to marry her, she can spit in his face in the presence of the town elders.

If two men are fighting and the wife of one grabs the other guy by the balls, her hand must be cut off.

Accurate weights and measures are important."

03-27-2001, 09:01 PM	#2
Dagnabit High Propagandist Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 115	11. "OK, (repeats a lot here) we're about to cross over Jordan and head into our land. Our land is better than the other lands, because there's seasonal rain. You don't have to water your crops, the rain does it for you. Of course the warranty is null and void if you don't follow the rules and worship God. There won't be any seasonal rain then. (repeats a lot more)" 12. "And just to make it clear, once you get there, you can't just do whatever you like. For example, don't offer your burnt sacrifices just anywhere. You have to do that where the Lord says. Oh, you can kill your gazelles or deer, if you want to eat meat. But not the blood, since that's the 'life' - and you shouldn't eat the 'life' with the meat. Just pour that out. Take the sacrifices and burnt offerings, and put them up on the altar, and pour the blood out next to it, and just eat the meat." 13. "And, you know, there are going to be false prophets. Whatever you do, don't listen to them. In fact, if a family member says you should go check out the other Gods, you have to kill him. You yourself have to start the killing, and then everyone else in the community should join in. It's the only way to keep everyone afraid. In fact, if these "other God" activities start in another town, you'll just have to go kill everyone in that town. I mean, investigate it first, but if it turns out to be true, kill all the people AND all of their livestock. Put everything in the middle of the town and burn it as an offering to God. Then God will show you compassion." 14. "OK, we talked a little about the meat, here are the details. OK to eat: anything with a split hoof and that chews the cud, including: ox, sheep, goat, antelope, gazelle. Not OK is anything that chews the cud and does NOT have a split hoof, like the camel and the rabbit. Not OK is anything with a split hoof that doesn't chew the cud, like the pig. As far as seafood, go with anything with fins and scales. Any clean bird is OK; unclean birds include eagles, vultures, owls, storks, and bats. Insects are RIGHT OUT! Road kill is also bad. Bring some of your stuff to church to eat it, and please feel free to bring the outcasts who don't have a church or any money." 15. "Hang together, cancel each other's debts. You won't be poor; come on, you're God's chosen people. If someone seems to be poor, he can be your slave for six years, after which you can give him some of your stuff and set him free. If he doesn't want to go free, pierce his ear with an awl, which makes him your servant for life. Same goes, by the way, for woman slaves." 16. "We'll have a couple feasts each year, to mark a few holy times. Also, we'll have fair judges that will not take bribes. Also, no trees or sacred stones near God's altars; He hates those." 17. "Don't sacrifice defective animals to God; that'll just piss Him off. And again, if anyone's worshipping any other God while living in Israel, investigate it thoroughly, and if it's true, take up to the city gate and stone 'em to death. Make sure there are two witnesses. And the witnesses will start the killing. If the judges can't figure out what to do, ask the priests. If someone doesn't like the judges or the priests, kill him. That'll keep the people on their toes. Also, God has to choose your kings, and your kings had better read this stuff every day so they don't think they're better than God's law." 18. "Priests have to stay poor, but they can eat some of the parts of the offerings you bring to burn for God. No witchcraft, because God hates that. By the way, God told me I was his prophet and He is speaking through me. If you find anyone else claiming to speak for God, and what he says doesn't come true, put him to death." 19. "Set up three cities in the new land. IF anyone accidentally kills a neighbor, he can go to the city to save his own life. Of course, if anyone goes to the city after purposefully killing a neighbor, send him back to the avenger to be killed. No pity. Again, two witnesses." 20. "Again, God is with us, so when we go to take over faraway cities, we gotta be into it. First we give 'em a peace offering: if they let us in, they only have to be our slaves. If they don't, we kill all the men, and take the women, children, livestock and everything else as plunder. Of course, for the cities God is giving to us as part of the promised land, there we just kill everything. That way they can't teach us their religions. But don't be dumb; don't cut down fruit trees where you could eat the fruit. Cut down OTHER trees to make siege weapons." 21. "If you find a dead body and don't know who killed him, take a calf to an unplowed stream, kill it by breaking its neck, wash your hands over it and say a declaration and all will be cool. If you capture your enemies, and notice a sexy broad amongst the captives, you're allowed to have her; shave her head, cut her nails, let her pine for her parents for a month and then you can screw her. At that point she's your wife, but if you get tired of her, just dump her, but don't SELL her... she's been through enough. If you have two sons by different women, one of which you love and the other you don't, and the real first born is of the one you don't, the REAL firstborn will be due twice what he would normally have inherited in your will, since he's the first sign of your strength. If a son of yours acts up, bring him to the elders, and all the people of the town should stone him. (i.e., place heavy rocks on him until he is dead.) That'll keep people in line. However, if you hang somebody, cut 'em down the same day." 22. "Treat your people's animals OK. Don't cross-dress; God HATES that. Build parapets on your roofs so nobody falls off them and dies. Find a bird's nest? It's OK to take the chicks or eggs, but let the mother go. Don't plant two different kinds of seeds in the same vineyard. Don't wear wool and linen woven together. Put tassels on your cloaks. If a man claims that his wife was not a virgin to get out of the marriage, her parents have to provide proof that she was a virgin. If they have proof, the guy has to pay a fine. If they don't, the wife has to be stoned to death. If a man sleeps with another man's wife, both have to be stoned to death. If a man has sex with a woman who's engaged to someone else, and this happens in town, they both have to die. If this happens outside the town, only he has to die. You see, in town she has a chance to scream out and stop it; outside of town she doesn't. If a man rapes a virgin not pledged to be married, he has to pay a fine to her father, and he also has to marry her and they can never divorce." 23. "You can't go to church if your balls are damaged or if your dick is cut off. If you're a bastard, you and your family can't go to church for ten generations. Certain enemies can't go to church, especially because they were assholes when we were leaving Egypt. Egyptians themselves are OK and their grandchildren can go to church. When battling another town, if a soldier has a wet dream that night, he has to go outside the camp, wait all day, clean himself up at dusk, then he can come back at night. And please, when you're a soldier, build latrines and bury your shit. God has to walk there Himself and would hate to see your excrement. No whores in Israel, women OR men. Bring whoring money to pay a church vow and God will be really pissed. And if you make a promise to God, pay up quickly." 24. "If a guy marries, and later on is unhappy with his wife, he can divorce her. She can remarry. But if the second marriage goes south and she divorces again, or if the second guy dies or something, she absolutely can't marry the first guy again. If a guy gets married, he doesn't have to go to war or to work for a year. Stay home and be happy for a while. The punishment for stealing from a fellow Israelite: death. If there's a leprosy outbreak, be careful. Don't take advantage of your employees. Fathers aren't to be killed for things their children have done, nor children for their fathers. Be cool and leave a few tidbits in the gardens for the poor." 25. "Judges can give beatings as punishment, but no more than 40 lashes. If two brothers are living together and one of them marries, then dies without a son, the other brother has to marry the woman. The first son she has after that has to be named after the dead guy so his name lives on. If he doesn't want to marry her, she can spit in his face in the presence of the town elders. If two men are fighting and the wife of one grabs the other guy by the balls, her hand must be cut off. Accurate weights and measures are important."