[Sundae]

So many books I want her to read. I haven't even looked at the new Kate Atkinson. And I finished a new-favourite author and then cried because I couldn't share it with her.

Silly ideas about stories (too verbose for children's books, but with a childish theme.) We had 101 non-fiction books to write when our ships came in. And silly ideas in equal measure. I wanted to make a coffee table book of Crazy Golf Courses of the British Seaside. Glossy photos interspered with a travelogue. And pics of us - two fat ladies - and a running total of who managed to get through the windmill first.

Amusement arcades of the Welsh Coast, because it's rarely a suitable location for outdoor activity. Seriously, we'd have ended up with our own series and been a hit both sides of the Pond.
She never even saw how much weight I'd lost.

Pretendy lottery spending. I found a new perfect house.
She liked the last one. But I've been casting my net closer to home all the time.
Seems I don't want to run away any more. Because part of me still wants to live. It's down to about 51%, but a politician will tell you that's a resounding Yes.

My potential future at Waitrose.
That was where we were going to shop when I lived in my £850k house in Thame.
She'd have liked me going there on a regular basis, for real and not daydreaming. She was always so supportive.

Dad's ongoing and conflicting diagnosis.
My health and how I got the bullet she dodged, the witch, and what spells she used.

And perhaps benefits (welfare), and perhaps time free in June/ July and perhaps Arran in the Summer.
If I do get this job I don't start til 22 July. Old debts and travel costs to hospital make it a "perhaps." No idea how I'll make it through but money is just money and as Shawnee's Dad says, "They can't kill you and they can't eat you."

So I want to focus on living. And if I can, walking through ankle high/ knee high grass, to a landscape of sacred belief an making another memorial to someone I wish I could have touched, because she touched me.

And if I can, making good food for the Limeys.
The Limes deserve my cooking when I'm at my best. Some Dwellars don't, but only because they have honed their skills to such a level my cooking would be an insult.
I'd still make them an English style cake (coffee and walnut mebbe?)

Sorry. It's all very self-indulgent.
Missing that woman pretty hard today.