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Some translation critics argue that the chiasmus in question (line 4) distorts the original, more clever than sincere or thoughtful, or that it jingles and implies unintended humor.
Other critics, however, insist that it is powerful, clinches the image and anchors it.
Those criticisms mainly concern 3 points:
i) "desire strong" is ungrammatical, and sounds Victorian;
ii)"on drilling place" should be replaced by "on the drill ground";
iii)the second "to" in 4th line should be deleted.
You, i believe, are better judges than we Chinese are. We can detect any distortion or inaccuracy, but unfortunately, we can never determine whether the translation on its own stands as a respectable english poem.
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