[Ocean's Edge]

My first suicide attempt - I was 8
My last suicide attempt - I was 18

That was 30 years ago

I don't mean that as any kind of a set up to being any kind of an expert on the subject - hell I'm not even an expert on my own relationship to the subject, only that I've spent a LOT of time thinking about it.

There's a lot I'd like to say contribute, muse about, but it's all a bit stream of consciousness.

One of the more difficult things for me has always been trying to separate the realities of my life, from the chemical processes in my brain.

There's been no shortage of shitage in my life to be depressed about. Growing up in a highly dysfunctional family complete with violence and parents who at the very least didn't notice me, relate to me, and sometimes actively disliked me - fast forward to a highly dysfunctional marriage - 3 disabled children, one of whom was extremely high needs, a series of failed relationships, a destroyed career leading to broke and a little hopeless at 48.

That's the reality of my life - no shortage of stress, no shortage of things to worry and fuss and bother and .... just plain tire me out. But that isn't depression - depression is the difference in my brain that says today "I can deal with this, I can do this, 'the sun come out tomorrow', he loves me, together we will make this work, there's always a way to make things better, and who cares if we have no money - we have each other" but then tomorrow the rats get loose and "gah V, this is all your blessed fault, you've screwed everything up you've ever tried for 48 yrs and now you're gonna drag him down there too, it's no bloody wonder he's falling out of love with you, and it's just so much and I am just so tired and hurt and there is so much work to do and I can't do this all by myself and I'm too f**king old to start all over again AGAIN, and at least maybe the $250,000 life insurance policy would make a dent in fixing the shit you've managed to make a mess of"

In the middle of all that - I'm trying to sort out the shit in my life, from the shit in my brain. IM - I get a feeling you kinda know what I'm talking about there.

THIS: oh so much THIS!

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

But what I feel and what I do are, currently, two separate things. I'm going to keep them separate until such a time that what I do and what I feel are both tending towards positive behaviors.

I won't say I still think about suicide every day, but the feelings of self blame, hurt, loneliness and just plain tired..... are never really far away. But oddly enough it's all the THINGS that need doing that keep me going. "I'm so tired of dealing with all this shit I'd just like to lay down and die and rest, but then who would deal with this shit?" I'm actually been a bit better since he went to Australia - I gotta get up and feed the dogs and clean the cats' litter boxes and someone has to do the dishes.....

I'm so tired of being tired,
But sure as night has followed day
Most things that I worry about
Never happen anyway

Tired, this whole idea that I'm supposed to seek out help and therapy and ... it's just one more thing to do when just dragging my arse out of bed in the morning is a challenge. I actually did try to find help - there was counseling and therapy for a while when my first marriage broke down - that was good for me, BUT it's also hard when 'family counseling' was my mother's way of not having to deal with our issues. I signed up once for a drug trial, but was turned down on the basis that my depression is more bi-polar in nature.

Thing is, aside from Him, and a couple of very close friends, I've never said those things aloud. Considering I hardly know any of you from Adam - I've only been here a few weeks - it surprises me that I say it now. Accept that there is some protection in the anonymity of the internet - which is really great for talking for people who for whatever reasons are feeling marginalized. And well I really not quite sure why - accept that this place does feel 'safe'.

Originally Posted by DanaC

I don't think blanket statements of selfishness or cowardice are particularly useful. Everyone is different. Every experience of the world is different. Even if you have experienced what it is like to be suicidal, you only know what it is like to be suicidal in your own head.

I gotta concur - ya know the last thing I really need right now is more guilt. More blame. There is a lot of shame in saying "yeah I've regularly tried to take my own life" that just adds to the fear/struggle/work/difficulty of looking for help and this idea of 'lazy, cowardice, easy way out' feeds into that. Shaming people - never a good thing, whether it's fat shaming, or feminine shaming, or suicide shaming - it feels a bit like bullying ... and I don't really think it helps anyone. I know it sure as hell doesn't help me any. It's not saying that sometimes there isn't an element of selfishness to it - "I'll show them! Maybe then they'll finally understand how much I needed them, and how badly they let me down, and they'll feel as BAD as I do right now" ... but I don't think shaming people for it is the answer to that.

Him has suggested gently at times I might want to seek some help - and I have thought about it (see above). But I've been dealing with this in my life a long time - and for the most part ... I've learned to manage my moods, my mood swings, to cope and in some ways even thrive. I'm not entirely sure I could write without the melancoly. And if I'm being truly honest I'm not quite worked through the whole stigma thing (not other people's - my own) about 'happy pills' - which at times seems really STUPID - I can give other people excellent advice about "if your brain is sick and a medication makes it better - then you really should at least consider taking it. If your lungs were sick with the lurgy and antibiotics would make it better you wouldn't feel 'weak' for taking that would you?" I'm dreadful at times at taking my own good advice. But the real truth is - I'm tired. When I need the help it's just so much damn work - not just find a therapist, hell I haven't even had a decent family doctor in 20+ years - scratch that ... in forever. And when I don't need the help, it seems silly and pointless. It's kind of like - there was a post a couple weeks ago .... 15 Reasons You May Be Feeling Bad - and in that thread a link to 22 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You're Depressed - lots of good advice there. I printed them out and put them someplace handy but out of sight - when I'm 'OK' they seem silly and trite and platitudes, when I'm feeling 'Fragile' I need to remember them.

Anyway..... I've rambled and babbled and carried on about this enough, probably more than enough, or more than you wanted to know...