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I want to clarify on my earlier statement, and then I will shut up on the subject.
Do I 'feel' suicidal? Much of the time. It floors me the things that run through my head. But I won't be committing the act. Because I got help, and I got support. I was afraid to tell my family when I was in the 'place' because I felt so ashamed. And yet they still loved me. And they supported me. The trick is to realize that these aren't magic tricks they're performing, and their love isn't something they'll just pull out from under me. That is what sustains me. I am not sending off alarms: most of you know what I've been doing to help myself (including posting my embarrassing and shaming thoughts of self-worth, and posting my anger, and posting my often annoying coping skill of making stupid jokes about stuff) and I will continue to do so.
But what I feel and what I do are, currently, two separate things. I'm going to keep them separate until such a time that what I do and what I feel are both tending towards positive behaviors.
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