[Trilby]

I'm still crying/missing Autumn.

This new dog....sigh. I should just name him Rebound. He's too much of everything and he's a dog whereas Autumn was a person. She was so loyal---she was the only one who loved me and I loved her. So, so much.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy, a basket case, a loser but Autumn didn't think that. I have no one. my younger son was supposed to see me yesterday but he's too busy and my older boy is just about to graduate college and here I sit, still in my pj's hating this dog b/c he chases and terrorizes the cats and ISN"T AUTUMN.

I (at the suggestion of my therapist) read her a few of my poems. She managed to have a concerned, bewildered, disappointed and perplexed look on her face all at the same time. She said, "What's the meaning of that poem?" She does not deal in wallowing. The poems weren't about Autumn but about some aspects of my life----I'm nobody's poet but they're like milking a snake for me----gets some of the venom out.


I KNOW I am not dealing with BIG issues like so many people are. but I am so sad and I am crying; supposed to chair a meeting today and I totally spaced on it and didn't go. AA isn't really helping me. It never really has. I'm an emotional cripple---merc got that right about me. I feel like I'm on a tightrope. I am useless; I do NOTHING productive save clean my own house. I can't meet the world on the world's terms. I want an anodyne, I want escape. Autumn is in the cold, hard, cold, cold ground when, if I had been more mindful, she'd be alive today.

What do i have? Nothing. No one. voices on telephones telling me to 'hang in there, baby' and the ever-present reply but you have children!!

No, they are adults now.

Ravaged by an abrasion. That;s me.