[orthodoc]

The deceit is really hard to cope with. I understand her feeling constrained about talking it out last fall - she was to register for spring courses in October and that's when I started chemo. But to be home for a month in Dec. - Jan. and have all that time together, just us ... we've always been close, I always thought she could talk to me. The fact that she lied during our actual conversation last night (she doesn't know yet that I know she didn't register for the spring; she presented it that she went to classes last week and is now 'seeing the need' to take a year off) just floors me.

She is a pleaser; she is avoidant in her style of handling confrontation; she also has a history of going along with boyfriends and not acknowledging to us or to herself that the bf is running the show. She got out of a relationship with a VERY controlling bf last summer and fell straight into her current relationship. This one has all sorts of red flags (too intense too soon, bf declaring undying love within days of beginning to go out, her changing major interests and activities to line up with his, etc.).

The real issue - you nailed it, foot - she IS abdicating her life, her decisions, her responsibilities, her autonomy, to someone else. Again. THAT is what's breaking my heart and filling me with dread. She doesn't seem to have a sense of self - she talks a good talk at times, but what she actually does isn't consistent with the talk. I'm so fearful for her, going forward, letting her life be dictated by whatever abusive/controlling male is in her life at any given time. I wanted so much better for her. I hope there's still a possibility she'll break this pattern.

Meanwhile, it's Ramen noodles and Walmart. She hasn't done the math, I could tell last night - she hasn't begun to realize how her life is going to change. She thinks she's going to relax, earn some money, save some money, get all happy and ready to go back at some point ... whereas, on a Walmart wage, she won't quite meet basic expenses, no money for clothes, certainly nothing to save, no emergency fund should the car need repairs, nothing to pay car insurance with ... reality is going to hit hard. I hate to see it happen but it has to.

I did reassure her last night that I love her unconditionally - no matter what she chooses in her life, no matter what happens, I love her. I do. I would never 'not want to see her anymore', which she expressed as a fear. (I do NOT want to see the boyfriend, who is supposed to visit in March, but that's another issue.) I told her that I'll always be there for her; I want good things for her, want her to have a good life, but it's not up to me to dictate what she does or how she gets there. But I'm here for support and advice.

Still, the lying hurts a lot. I feel like I can never believe her again.