[BigV]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Today the inch asked me point blank if mrs. foot and I were getting divorced. I think I did pretty well at not throwing his mom under the bus. I have to keep conscious about that.

It was kind of sad when he suggested ways to prevent his mom from getting angry all the time.

I need a lot more sleep to sort things out.

Also have been listening to "Gone Girl" on audio books. Holy crap.

I have slept on my reply to this post for a few days now. I feel the same now as I did when I read it the first time, so I'll weigh in. My whole sermon is based on my own experiences. Your descriptions sound frighteningly familiar. I gotten more than one shudder of ptsd reading them.

First of all, very, very good for not throwing mom under the bus. Good choice, good job--there's more of this to come. The primary beneficiaries of this choice are of course the inch and the mm. Kids love their mothers, as they should. No kid benefits from having his dad throw his mom under the bus. You also benefit from doing good, because it's good to do the right thing; also, you avoid giving the mrs another reason to be angry. It was a good choice, I'd say stick with this plan.

While we're on the subject of angry spouses, this response by the inch breaks my heart. It is just like countless responses I've heard--hell, I've *made*--in my own experience. Anger... it's something we've all experienced in ourselves and in others. It's a part of our humanity, and a necessary, useful part. It's inescapable, but for it to be genuinely useful, it has to be valid. Just like fear can help us do what needs to be done, so anger can serve a useful purpose. Finding out what that purpose is crucial. Without knowing the reason for the anger, reacting to it, trying to defuse or avoid it is pointless, possibly even harmful.

It's understandable though, who wants to be around an angry person? No one, your inch's instincts are completely understandable. But if the anger is unreasonable, then the source can't be reasoned with, it's not possible. This is why knowing *why* is so important. Without knowing the why behind the anger, trying to prevent it is like running around a battlefield "trying to avoid" the artillery shells and the landmines. It's random frantic activity with no real hope of success.

I don't know the reasons for the anger in your home, maybe they're good ones, maybe not, maybe a mix, whatever. In my home, back in the day, they were a mix, but mostly they were from a *habit* of being angry. I responded to the anger with attempts to defuse, to avoid, to placate. Also to rebut, to fight back, to justify, etc. I came to see, and I see now that my part in that particular dance often helped perpetuate the anger. This was a big mistake. For me, calling bullshit and then not joining in the fight is a much, much healthier response. But... it's not one I modeled for my kids for a **long** time. And, it breaks my heart to hear my kids repeating my error. These days it's really only SonofV that does it, the older ones are able to put a suitable distance between them and the heat of her anger, they're in control of that. SonofV doesn't have that option. I have heard him express that same earnest desire, "how can I keep her from getting mad?".

Really?? He's a good kid. The things he does do not merit an angry response, but he has to face her anger often. It kills me to see him flinching from psychic blows that *might* land, but I know where he's coming from. It took me many years to learn how to respond better, and in the process we divorced. I gained the same distance the older kids have, and that SonofV doesn't have. During those years I helped model what I see now and that's on me. But now I am modeling better responses and I am explicitly teaching them to him. How to look past the anger to the reason for the anger and responding appropriately to the source, not just reacting to the anger. It is MUCH HARDER, but much healthier and rewarding.

...

I don't know footfootfoot. I'm no great sage. I just know what I've been through, what I've read, what I've learned. I also read about the inch's stalwart refusal to engage about Dewdrop's (or Dewdrop's partner's) provocative costume. That was funny! And that same dispassionate resolve will serve him well when he can summon it in future fires. It will be a kind of emotional insulation to protect him. I see you're also learning how to recognize when it employ it. Good on all of you. I'm encouraged that SonofV is learning what I learned but thirty years sooner. The inch will be ok too, as will the mm, and you and the mrs for that matter. But there will be a difficult transition to new habits on the way. Learning when to fight fire with fire and when to walk on by is one of the harder ones.

tl;dr

good job not throwing mom under the bus.

it hurts to hear the kids trying to strategize how to keep mom from getting angry all the time. eventually, everyone will learn how to distance themselves from that bullshit.

I've been there brother, and I'm here for you now.