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Oh, Sarge. This is a shit time of year for stuff like that.
I don't have a huge number of friends. A few close friends, and a number of less close friends. I'm in on and off contact with one of my oldest friends from school. We speak to each other maybe once or twice a year. See each other once or twice a decade :p We lost touch for a while, but fb put us back in contact. I'm glad of that contact, because we were so close. But when we meet up there isn't the same sense of connection (naturally). I think we both like to keep tabs on each other and know where each other is and that's enough.
I am a bit anti-social really. I don't like going out. I like being in my house with my dog. I like people (family or close mates) coming round for a visit. As much as I intend to get over to one of their houses at some point, it just never happens. Unless one of them comes and gets me in their car and forcibly (;p) drives me to their house for sunday lunch.
I find being sociable tiring sometimes. I like it, once I'm in a social situation and I get very into the conversation and banter, but then my brain starts to shut down and I have to be alone to recharge. And chances are after any social event, no matter how nice a time I may have had, and no matter how lovely it was, that evening will be spent with random, toe curling moments of embarassment popping into my head as I wonder if I was laughing too raucously, or why did I say that? or was I just grinning inanely, bet I looked a right wazzock...etc etc.
I've got quite good over the years at shoving those thoughts away.
@ Infi: that feeling of not having anything worthwhile to contribute sucks. I still occasionally feel surprised and pleased that anybody actually seeks out my company. Don't know whether it comes from years in school being an outsider looking in, or the years of being a baby sister desperately wanting to tag along with her brother and his mates...but the idea that someone might actively want my inclusion or involvement in stuff always takes me aback.
As long as I have that handful of close people I'm happy and pretty self-contained in my life. I worry what my life will be like when I eventually lose Mum. Because she's the one I am closest to in this world. She's effectively my best friend on a day to day basis. Movies and shared books and dogs and a smoke and a natter etc. It worries me sometimes that I rely so much on that friendship really.
I was lonely in a relationship that didn't work. I am alone now, but not lonely.
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