[orthodoc]

Thanks, Sam and V. I'm sorry. Although I'm all too familiar with things getting different, but not necessarily better, I acknowledge the possibility that they may get better. I've been trying to live in the present for awhile now. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I will say, I have no fear of physical abuse anymore. It's the easiest, simplest sort. After going nose to nose with my second son after months of him punching through walls, slashing art, leaving weird and very disturbing things for me to find, and attacking my third son, and finally going nose to nose and just telling him to deck me and get it over with - fully intending to take the shot and call the police - and seeing him back down, I don't really care anymore about physical stuff. Emotional stuff is much harder to deal with.

But for all I'd gone through and learned, I was so naive when I encountered this 'friend' that I just became an idiot. I was lonely, very lonely. I didn't expect it. I was -honestly, you will laugh, but honestly - looking for a friend, someone who had been hurt and might understand where I was coming from. NOT looking for anything else. Just so naive.

I hadn't had any friends locally for years, with the kids and the abuse - isolation is par for the course. I went looking for a friend without any sort of sophistication. I wasn't working then. And women have never been very warm toward me - I did make female friends once I got working in the last six months before I moved, but until then I had none. I've always gotten on better with men, for whatever reason. Although I do have some female friends now. Making friends in the last six months before I moved was such a revelation! I hadn't had any for so long.

Anyway - I reached out to a male because I'd always gotten along best with men. Logical, scientific, med school, internship, whatever. I found the men were more kind than the women in my professional/academic experience. But in this case it was such a mistake. Whatever his hurts and problems, it doesn't justify what he did. Men should know that women always invest, always engage. If they don't want that, they should stay home, so to speak.