[Clodfobble]

I always wanted a big family. Minimum three kids, preferably four (not including stepkids.) Obviously things changed there for awhile. We're at the point now where it's a possibility again. But I don't know.

Mr. Clod says he could go either way. He'll always fall on the side of wanting more kids, but he readily admits that's easy for him to say because he's not the one here the majority of the day, and he could be done if I want to be. Me, I think I do still want more, but I can't silence the voice that says it is wholly irresponsible.

On the one hand, I do completely believe we could avoid neurological problems, knowing what we do now. But many of my friends who made different medical choices with their later children say they still have moderate GI problems to deal with, even in the absence of life-altering disorders. Then again, everyone has some level of genetic defect, and deaf people have babies all the time... on the plus side, I do have a good track record of contributing really smart kids to the gene pool.

And what is my responsibility to my current children? A sibling might be a very good thing for both of them. It also might simply take attention away from them that they still really need. Typical debate with any family, I know, but for us the stakes are higher. Have to consider the age gap as well, since Minifobette will be at least 5 1/2 years older.

And there's the money. We're still hemorrhaging medical bills, but things are improving with recovery and they will get significantly better after Minifobette starts Kindergarten. But I was kind of looking forward to not being broke all the time.

I don't know if I want to start the clock all over. And then sometimes I think that what we really should do is give it another year or two, and then have another pair. We'd have the two Asian ones, the two Autistic ones, and the two...something else that starts with A. Not the stuff life decisions should be made of, I know. But the thought does amuse me.

I know nobody's going to have an answer for me (unless you want to say, "goddamn right it's irresponsible, what are you thinking?" in which case go right ahead, I won't be offended.) I'm just trying to talk it out in case it helps me figure out how I feel about the whole thing.