[Sundae]

H.U.G.E row with Mum this morning.
Lasted until I was going to be late for work so Dad had to give me a lift in. He was a bit befuddled, but given I was crying hard and it was Mum who asked him he acquiesed.

I blurted out that she was such a negative person and she told me it was because I'd failed at everything I said I was going to do. She said that after her lumpectomy I was so helpful, but I'd just sat on my lazy fat arse ever since (this is partly true, but she just took back control over everything and never said a word about wanting help).

She said she didn't want me living here, but what could she do? But if I managed to keep a friend for more than a year perhaps it might be easier for her and Dad to live the life they deserved, rather than having me there all the time. This stung (particularly) as I have retreated into ultra-hermit mode to stay out of their way. I never cook for them any more (which I miss) do not eat any meal with them, watch no TV with them. But my presence in my bedroom is ruining her life.

I said we all needed to talk more, raising the times she has stormed out of the house - especially the time she ruined Christmas for all of us - and come back and not said a word to me. Literally. I've crept back into her good graces without ever really knowing why.

She pointed out I am not even able to keep my bedroom in the state she would like it so how could she ask me to clean anything else, and that I did nothing to help in the garden (both are true).

Unresolved.
I came home after a day spent on the edge of tears and have retreated up here.
I've been so upset all day I've been retching. If I told Mum that she's say I was showing off. But no-one knew because I "coughed" into a tissue. And in fact I told no-one except Mrs J who packed me off to the staffroom for a cup of tea to compose myself when I arrived.

I'm not asking for a solution. Nor for sympathy. Just saying how today was and why I am upset.
I might look up family counselling. This is not all on my Mum's side, I have to bear responsibility too. It's just that I am slightly less agressive and slightly less defensive. And yes of course I am aware that this is her house and she is doing me a HUGE favour. I just wish we could talk more rather than her game of What Can I Say To Hurt You Today?