[orthodoc]

I spoke with a lawyer today. Don't know if I can afford her; hope so. If I don't get someone good I'm going to walk away from an abusive 28-year marriage and get thumped but good on my way out the door ... not something I want to look back on as I eat cat food in my waning years. When stb-x initially agreed to a divorce by mutual consent I was so relieved I didn't think I'd have a problem dividing things up by verbal agreement, leaving the lawyers out of it, and just GETTING OUT - asap. I couldn't believe I'd be free in 90 days.

And then stb-x started in on money, telling the kids he can't afford them anymore (some are still in college and can't get loans because of his income), nickel-and-diming me on every tiny thing, telling one of my sons he could expect no more support because I'm $$$$ of his money walking out the door and it'll take him five years to make that back.

These comments are the punctuation to a huge full court press campaign to 'win me back' and make me see how much I'll be missing. And endless attempts to guilt me, plus lots of crying and using me as his confidante. And I've been gritting my teeth and taking it so I'd get my divorce in 90 days, and then he takes the cash anyway. And I can see I'll suffer through all this and then just be screwed over in the end. But I can't make him too angry or he'll a) clean out the joint accounts, which hold ALL our funds, and he watches them like a hawk, or b) do something scary. He used to be very scary. Lately, not so much ... but I'm sort of trained to be afraid of him, I'm embarrassed to say. PTSD.

But today I talked to a lawyer and a financial advisor and got a realtor lined up to appraise the house while stb-x is at work, and I am going to look out for myself. Once I stop trembling.