[Elspode]

"Consider the plight of the whale, mighty leviathan of the briny deep...

For all his magnificence, for all his sheer brute strength, despite unequalled aquatic grace and endurance, the Lord of the Seas is a besorrowed beastie.

'Tis not the booming of the harpoon cannon as it fires its deadly prongs, bound to lodge in his stippled and scarred flesh.

'Tis not the grief of at the sight of his mate and offspring as they are pulled away to be carved up to fuel the engines of industry and the lamps of the hearth and home.

'Tis not the prospect of a cold, dark grave at the bottom of vast and heartless sea.

Nay, all these woes do pale before the whale's realization that his fins are so short, and his whale penis so far away from them, and the knowledge that his need to self-pleasure can never be satisfied."