The Cellar - View Single Post

Riddil · 01-06-2004, 11:15 PM

Ok... this is amazing.... honestly, I've had a total, and complete reversal of opinion.

For the past day or two I've been mulling in my head all the info that was in my first post. If you read just that first post the only thing I really quantify is "individual rating" as a basis for decision. I was seriously thinking that I'd "finally figured it out", and I was ready to run out and start judging women based on the stupid idea that "Woman A rates higher than woman B, therefore I will pursue woman A, and ignore B."

Is it even possible to be more shallow?

I'm glad UnderToad challenged my idea straight away... b/c while I knew that there is a deeper "relationship strength" that adds to a relationship, I hadn't bother to try to include that in my magical equation.

So I reworked the equation and what I realized....

If you take a 75'er but only have a weak relationship score of a measly 1, then your interest/commitment works out to a .75. Compare that to a 95-rated person... if you have a weak relationship (Again, say a 1), then they total a whopping .95. Still not very impressive.

It doesn't matter, you compare ANY person to any other person and all you ever do is fluctuate from .01 - .99. But as soon as you start BUILDING a relationship it doesn't take long at all for that interest/commitment rating to go up very, very fast.

And what that showed to me is that it doesn't matter if the person you're with is a 75 or if they're a 95.... where you find true happiness is in how strong the relationship is. A 75-rated person with a relationship-strength score in the 80's will totally shadow a 95-rated person with a relationship-score in the 20's.

Sure you might feel good because you can take your 95-rated partner out on the town and impress everyone.... but are you happy? Are they giving to the relationship to make sure that it continues to grow as every year passes? This is the problem with celebrity marriages... they work so hard to get a "highly rated" person b/c they want a nice prop to show off to the world, but since they never measure the person for the QUALITY of their relationship, it becomes anemic.

So... even though I still feel like relationships (and everything else) can be expressed mathematically... I now realize... for matters of the heart it doesn't matter. Why worry about splitting hairs trying to figure out if a prospective partner is *really* an 80? Maybe they're a 78? Or an 82? When you compare it to the relationship that you build over time, it completely eclipses those tiny differences.

To be honest, I came up with the original post as a weak justification to make myself feel better about breaking up with my girlfriend this past weekend. I told myself that sure, I care about her, she's a good person, but it's just not working out. I didn't have a REASON to break up with her... so I invented the ratings system.

But it's not true at all. If it was just a simple "rating" then why did we get together in the first place? How could we have stayed together for so long?

The reality is that she could have been a 70 and I could still be completely in love and committed. What drove me away is that our relationship had grown weak. I gave and gave to the relationship, and because of it she was happy, but she never gave anything back. So as time passed the strength of our relationship never grew stronger... and it actually grew weaker. And the whole mess concluded with me breaking up with a woman in tears because she was convinced that she wasn't far from hearing a marriage proposal.

When we're young we constantly hear the mantra: don't judge a book by it's cover. Love the person that's INSIDE, not the image on the outside.

I always took that to mean look past a person's skin to discover their true personality. You may find they're smart, funny, whatever. But even those things are immaterial. What that little saying means to me now is that the "relationship strength" (read: love) that you build together will so far out-weigh everything else that everything else becomes insignificant in comparison.

Choose your mate not by if you think they're attractive... or smart... or funny... or successful. Choose your partner by how far your love can grow.

*cue cheesy violins*

Hehe, I just think it's funny that to understand something so simple that everyone already knows I had to go through this silly, convoluted process. The good news is that it only took me 27 years to get here!! Just think where I'll be when I'm 54!!

Anyhow, thanks everyone for holding my hand on this one. :p It probably seems silly/stupid that I could swing such a wide belief-structure so fast... but hey... emotions roll pretty quickly when you're going through a break-up.

Anyhow, to update my equation... I want to redefine the "limits" for the relationship-strength scale. It's not a 1-100 scale. It runs from 1 to the end of imagination.

01-06-2004, 11:15 PM	#11
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	Ok... this is amazing.... honestly, I've had a total, and complete reversal of opinion. For the past day or two I've been mulling in my head all the info that was in my first post. If you read just that first post the only thing I really quantify is "individual rating" as a basis for decision. I was seriously thinking that I'd "finally figured it out", and I was ready to run out and start judging women based on the stupid idea that "Woman A rates higher than woman B, therefore I will pursue woman A, and ignore B." Is it even possible to be more shallow? I'm glad UnderToad challenged my idea straight away... b/c while I knew that there is a deeper "relationship strength" that adds to a relationship, I hadn't bother to try to include that in my magical equation. So I reworked the equation and what I realized.... If you take a 75'er but only have a weak relationship score of a measly 1, then your interest/commitment works out to a .75. Compare that to a 95-rated person... if you have a weak relationship (Again, say a 1), then they total a whopping .95. Still not very impressive. It doesn't matter, you compare ANY person to any other person and all you ever do is fluctuate from .01 - .99. But as soon as you start BUILDING a relationship it doesn't take long at all for that interest/commitment rating to go up very, very fast. And what that showed to me is that it doesn't matter if the person you're with is a 75 or if they're a 95.... where you find true happiness is in how strong the relationship is. A 75-rated person with a relationship-strength score in the 80's will totally shadow a 95-rated person with a relationship-score in the 20's. Sure you might feel good because you can take your 95-rated partner out on the town and impress everyone.... but are you happy? Are they giving to the relationship to make sure that it continues to grow as every year passes? This is the problem with celebrity marriages... they work so hard to get a "highly rated" person b/c they want a nice prop to show off to the world, but since they never measure the person for the QUALITY of their relationship, it becomes anemic. So... even though I still feel like relationships (and everything else) can be expressed mathematically... I now realize... for matters of the heart it doesn't matter. Why worry about splitting hairs trying to figure out if a prospective partner is really an 80? Maybe they're a 78? Or an 82? When you compare it to the relationship that you build over time, it completely eclipses those tiny differences. To be honest, I came up with the original post as a weak justification to make myself feel better about breaking up with my girlfriend this past weekend. I told myself that sure, I care about her, she's a good person, but it's just not working out. I didn't have a REASON to break up with her... so I invented the ratings system. But it's not true at all. If it was just a simple "rating" then why did we get together in the first place? How could we have stayed together for so long? The reality is that she could have been a 70 and I could still be completely in love and committed. What drove me away is that our relationship had grown weak. I gave and gave to the relationship, and because of it she was happy, but she never gave anything back. So as time passed the strength of our relationship never grew stronger... and it actually grew weaker. And the whole mess concluded with me breaking up with a woman in tears because she was convinced that she wasn't far from hearing a marriage proposal. When we're young we constantly hear the mantra: don't judge a book by it's cover. Love the person that's INSIDE, not the image on the outside. I always took that to mean look past a person's skin to discover their true personality. You may find they're smart, funny, whatever. But even those things are immaterial. What that little saying means to me now is that the "relationship strength" (read: love) that you build together will so far out-weigh everything else that everything else becomes insignificant in comparison. Choose your mate not by if you think they're attractive... or smart... or funny... or successful. Choose your partner by how far your love can grow. cue cheesy violins Hehe, I just think it's funny that to understand something so simple that everyone already knows I had to go through this silly, convoluted process. The good news is that it only took me 27 years to get here!! Just think where I'll be when I'm 54!! Anyhow, thanks everyone for holding my hand on this one. :p It probably seems silly/stupid that I could swing such a wide belief-structure so fast... but hey... emotions roll pretty quickly when you're going through a break-up. Anyhow, to update my equation... I want to redefine the "limits" for the relationship-strength scale. It's not a 1-100 scale. It runs from 1 to the end of imagination. Last edited by Riddil; 01-06-2004 at 11:19 PM.