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Originally Posted by jinx
... I'd like to figure out the motivation for the deal breaking shit. The obvious one is that one wants out of the relationship. If that's not it, then what?
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jinx, I would be willing to guess that is not the case, but since I don't really know either of you I can't say for sure, but I bet that isn't it. People sabotage themselves for a lot of reasons, most of them unconscious. The older I get the more it seems to me that all of us are starring in a play that we are writing called "This is the story of my life" It's easy for me to see it in my MIL. She was a child in Germany during WWII, they were refugees, they were poor, the city was bombed, it was chaos and destruction. This woman re creates that chaos and destruction, literally, in her life. It's as if she is saying, through her life and actions: "Look! Look at what happened to me!"
I think all of us have had some sort of tragedy in our lives as kids or teens or adults. We often get "Stuck" there and we keep reliving it, recreating it.
Consider joining an ACOA or CODA group I think it will give you a lot of perspective into Jim's behavior as well as give you ways to cope and protect your own mental health. Mrs. Nutkin began to go after the whole meltdown with her mom a year or so ago, it has helped her immeasurably in dealing with her batshit insane mother. And Jim isn't so batshit insane as all that.
Also, I'd recommend you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" as well as Jim. The book is exactly about what you are describing in Jim's behaviour.