[lumberjim]

Driving home tonight, I was thinking of all the different ways Shelby has tried to help me control my weight. I should actually say SOME of the ways, as there have been far too many to remember half of them.... How long she spent coming up with one good idea after another to help me get control of it. She got me going to the gym, she cooked healthy food for me to take to work, she tried letting go and saying nothing about it, she tried threatening me, she tried shaming me, she tried every thing a person could to help another get it. And I blithely pretended to take her advice...maybe sometimes I'd even go so far as to follow it for a week or two.... rarely. And then I'd go right back to my usual thing. Eating to capacity at every opportunity, eating more meat than a family needs.... eating 4 or 5 meals worth of food in a day some times.

My mind and body are way out of harmony. I need to get that balance back. I feel so terrible about how much time she wasted trying in vain to get through to me about this.

I think I really do believe in my heart that I couldn't and can't handle this alone. How else can I justify the way I've treated my wife? I would have gotten a hold of it at some point in the last 10 years or so right? But my compulsions have slowly gotten worse, and I was teetering at the brink of 300# in spite of the active lifestyle and exercise we did together.

I'm going to struggle with the next part. I am unsure about what higher power i can identify to restore me to sanity. I was brought up Christian, but intellectually, I don't believe in 'God' as a specific entity. Can I believe in him Spiritually? I wonder if I can allow that dichotomy to exist inside me. I've always been more of a believer in a Force.... which makes individual attention from that force a bit suspect in my mind. I's like to say I'll use FSM, but I don't want to joke around about this.