[squirell nutkin]

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

After discovering that they had won 15 million pounds in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future. Mrs McFlannel announced, "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last." Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

MacDonald was awarded 10,000 pounds for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds. A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident. MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the police arrived."

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked. To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"


An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman.
"Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion?"

In the "old days" Clan MacKay went raiding one time and came back with, among other things, dozens of bottles of whiskey and one loaf of bread. When the chief saw the booty, he asked, "Wha's gaen ta eat a' that bread?"

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Arch, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night... Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie enquires.
"Oh," says Jock, "I imagine she'll be in white.”



New man: Is that your dog ootside?
First man: Yes. What of it?
New man: Well, I think ma dog may'a killed 'im.
First man: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?
New man: Well, e's a chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a leetle chihuahua kill a great dane?
New man: Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said "How about a date later?" She said, "I'm married." "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, "You tell him yourself- he's shaving you".