[Pie]

This piece.

It's only January, but Nancy Grace is a strong contender for "Hypocrite of the Year."

The woman who will exploit anything for ratings — everything from slaughtered children to abused spouses — has suddenly decided that some people deserve privacy. Namely, her.

Grace and her attorneys tried to ban cameras from recording her deposition about the local woman, Melinda Duckett, who killed herself after Grace interviewed her about Duckett's missing son.

Perhaps Grace knows all too well how she might fare herself in the trage-tainment arena she helped create. In fact, let's imagine this …

Host: Tonight we've got shocking — I mean shocking! — news about talk-show host Nancy Grace. She doesn't want America to see her answer questions. And the only possible explanation is that she's guilty and should go to prison … or should she? That's the subject of tonight's show. And we have a spectacular panel to talk about all this. Let's start with Samantha Smalltime, a local radio host for a tiny radio station in Central Florida who has been following this case. Samantha, is Nancy evil?

Samantha: Oh my, I haven't a clue. Seriously, I don't even know much about this case. But what I do know is that I'm just dying to get on TV. So if you want me to say she's guilty, I'm in!

Host: You sound like a smart woman, Samantha. Next up: Jury expert Jim Jarmaine. Jim, can you see any way that a jury wouldn't convict Nancy?

Jim: No way. I wrote a book about juries. [Screen shows copy of book.] And juries hate people who commit crimes. So if Nancy Grace committed a crime, she should fry.

Host: Jim Jarmaine, I like your spunk. Next, we go to a first-time panelist, university professor Annie Anderson. Annie, Jim says Grace should fry. Tell me you agree.

Annie: No I don't agree. And frankly, I'm appalled by this entire conversation. Do you people understand that Nancy Grace hasn't even been charged with a crime? This is a civil proceeding. And the way you're trying to jump to conclusions and exploit this tragic case is so unseemly and unprofessional that …

Host: [Interrupts] Sorry, Annie. Gotta stop you, because I just got word that my little twins are celebrating their one-and-seven-eighths birthday. [Screen shows twin toddlers.] These two babies are angels on earth, my dear viewers. And it's only thanks to you, your prayers — and because you're watching this show — that they are healthy. OK, back to Samantha. Samantha, what were you saying?

Samantha: Whatever you want.

Host: Smart girl. Jim, in your book [screen shows book again], you say that juries like life, and that anyone who helps end a life is in for a heap of trouble, right?

Jim: You bet. That's why Nancy Grace should just spare taxpayers the cost of a trial, and turn herself in.

Annie: What? You people aren't even making sense. I mean, seriously, there's no crime alleged here. And even if there were, wouldn't it make more sense to wait for all the facts before ….

Host: [Interrupts] I'll tell you who doesn't like waiting: My viewers and Lady Justice, as well as my precious twins when it comes to spreading joy in the world. [Screen shows new picture of twins.] That's who I care about.

Annie: What? Listen, if anyone should be aware of the pitfalls of declaring someone guilty before all the evidence is out, it's you! Remember when you essentially declared the Duke lacrosse team being guilty of "gang rape" — even though it was later proven that the entire case against them was a farce?

Host: Sorry, Annie, but it's "Troop Time" — that special part of my program when I start showing pictures of service members who were killed in battle. It's especially helpful when I'm losing ground. Because, really, who has the nerve to criticize me when I'm honoring fallen soldiers? OK, next up, we have former FBI profiler Mark Madsen. Mark, profilers know when people are guilty, right?

Mark: You bet. It's all in my book.

Host: And what do your years of experience tell you about Nancy Grace trying to avoid cameras?

Mark: Guilty. No other explanation.

Annie: What a minute. Nancy Grace has every right to file a motion, trying to keep cameras out of her deposition. This isn't a court hearing. And once again, there's no guilt or innocence in a civil case.

Host: Well, isn't that just what all the rapists and murders want to hear?

Annie: What? Seriously. I don't even understand what you're saying.

Host: Let me tell you something, Annie. On my show, I stand up for victims … and people … and twins. [Screen shows twins again.] And if someone has wronged any of them — any of them — guilt is a factor.

Jim: Juries agree. It's in my book.

Mark: Mine too.

Host: Ok, panel, we're running out of time. So let's take a vote — guilty or very guilty?

Jim: Guilty.

Host: Rob?

Rob: Guilty.

Host: Samantha?

Samantha: Oh goody. Am I on camera again?

Host: I'll take that as a guilty. OK, Annie … [Host pauses for heavy sigh and exaggerated eye roll] … tell me something I want to hear.

Annie: Well, you've made it pretty clear what you want to hear — and it has nothing to do with reality, the presumption of innocence or anything other than exploiting tragedies for mindless entertainment.

Host: [Sighing] Annie, you obviously weren't paying attention when I was talking about my twins.