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Well...I was supposed to turn up at my supervisor's tomorrow with a 'complete' first chapter. I won't be doing this: it still needs a conclusion. I have however managed to get 5500+ words down on paper...albeit they're not right good. It needs extensive rewriting, and I am not much looking forward to delivering the cartload of caveats and disclaimers that will accompany this first draft...
BUT... a week ago I was struggling to see my way past 1000 words, and wondering what the fuck I am doing. The first draft is as rough as sandpaper and I am far from proud of it (really isn't up to my usual standards at all). But the process has been absolutely invaluable. I think i know how to rewrite it to a much better standard. In the process of writing I have rediscovered my 'voice' albeit a little late for tomorrow. I will be spending a good amount of the Christmas break rewriting this beast but at least now I feel I have some sort of a clue. I am sooo grateful to my supervisor for setting me this deadline (even though i haven't quite hit the target). Much better to go through that hell before I have to produce a finished and polished product.
The last couple of weeks have been a nightmare. I lost all confidence in my ability to write cogently. Hell, I lost confidence in my ability to think cogently lol. Some of that lack of confidence comes through in the work I've done, but at least I know why and I think I know how to make it better. Right now, i don't think it'd pass muster as a second year undergrad piece of work; but with a rewite I think it has the potential to be rather good.
More importantly, the process of writing this first chapter has broken me into my subject. I can see the rest of the thesis taking shape now, in my mind's eye. Much less frightening that an amorphous mass of unclear, and ranging ideas that don't quite fit together :P
This was always going to be one of the most difficult parts of the thesis: the military side of a military-domestic equation. If I can get this right, the rest will flow.
I'm slightly annoyed at myself for not getting to grips with this sooner, and so not managing to write a conclusion. But right now, at a little after midnight, I'm just pleased there's enough to take with me in the morning. And I am ecstatic that i can now go to bed :P
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